Monday, January 31, 2005
 

The blogosphere is abuzz this morning with the news that Elizabeth Spiers, the founding editrix of Gawker, has launched a new NYC gossip blog to compete directly against her alma doesn't mater. The new blog is called FishbowlNY because "it's like, you know, a fishbowl, 'cause you look at the fish in a fishbowl and, like, talk about them... like The Real World, you know?"

Spiers, who left Gawker amid expectation that she'd move on to great things, didn't. After penning a failed blog for The New York Times or Post or something, Spiers joined the team at Mediabistro -- a "new media company" that is, according to its website:

...Dedicated to anyone who creates or works with content, or who is a non-creative professional working in a content/creative industry.

For those dense, worthless few of you who don't "work with content" and for whom this dedication doesn't elucidate what the fuck this company is whatsoever, the description continues with Mediabistro's "greater goal":

...To revolutionize the way creative/content industry professionals relate. Call it the AvantGuild, a new guild for the new guard in media. Media professionals have so much in common, yet we work in our little cubicle worlds, rarely meeting, rarely sharing our collective experiences. We want to create a new version of the 14th-century guild system -- so that talented professionals in related industries can meet informally, mentor each other, work on projects together, and more. Go ahead, call us idealists. Call us medievalists even!

How about annoying fucking whores? Can we call you that?

Spiers' boss, Mediabistro's "Founder/Cyberhostess," is Laurel Toubey. Here's a bit about her, again, from the company's website:

Laurel started her career at Working Woman magazine, moved on to Business Week as a staff editor, and in 1993 began editing and writing a column on workplace issues for Glamour. She has covered everything from travel to business to breast cancer for a variety of publications, including New York, Travel & Leisure, Self, Redbook, McCall's, Family Circle, Good Housekeeping, Working Mother, and the New York Daily News. Born in Oahu, Hawaii, Laurel grew up in Miami (before South Beach existed) and graduated from Smith College with a degree in economics.

Well if she doesn't sound like a fun girl, I don't know who does. I mean, grew up the rich daughter of a... I'm going to say real estate developer, she always imagined herself to be "artsy" and "political" in that way rich ugly girls do. She learned after matriculating at Smith that she didn't have the taste for bush she'd like to have nor the talent to write any good poetry, if there is such a thing. So she settled on journalism, as her daddy "knew people," but has always craved the attention of real artists, hence the "avant guild." I don't know for sure that writing for Working Mother and taking it up the ass are mutually exclusive activities, but I strongly suspect it.

Hateful misogyny aside, the real non-story here is that the Spiers/Toubey "content" machine will be taking on the Coen/Denton "content" machine. It's a battle that will undoubtedly be watched carefully by literally tens of blog professionals as there are potentially hundreds of advertising dollars at stake. But in the end, only time will tell which duo will be declared Kings of Crap Mountain.

It all begs the question: Is there any medium too worthless for the Jews to battle for control over?

Analogcabin @ 9:10 AM
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Friday, January 28, 2005
 

Someone from Our Lady of the Lake University in San Antonio, Texas asked Google "What is considered Classic Beauty?" and Google answered: The Spoonbender.

Analogcabin @ 10:05 AM
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There are days when I think the folks writing headlines at CNN.com are genius, and there are days like today. Take this piece on the new Dakota Fanning vehicle Hide and Seek. The review, which is naturally quite negative, is headlined:

Hide and Seek Should Stay Lost

OK. So if it were a negative review of, say, the television series Lost or the William Hurt vehicle Lost in Space, that choice would have made sense. For example:

Lost Should Stay Lost

Or:

Lost in Space Should Stay Lost

You see, in order for the pun in that headline to work, the title needs to have something to do with the word "lost" or the state of being that is lost. The game hide and seek does not.

Analogcabin @ 8:54 AM
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I feel some shame when I admit that I'm a Fiona Apple fan. I guess it stems primarily from her public image, though her habit of returning to the "I'm a fucked up girl and you can't handle me" lyrical well doesn't help matters much. Still, I think her second album was one of the best of 1999, and I'll fight any woman or child that disagrees.

Well, Fiona's battles with Sony over their rejection of her third record, Extraordinary Machine, have been in the news lately, thanks to press received by the Free Fiona people. Sure, I'd like to see the record released and obviously I hate to hear about things like this happening, but mostly I think it's a good excuse to post these MP3's.

"Extraordinary Machine"

"A Better Version of Me"

Analogcabin @ 8:42 AM
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Thursday, January 27, 2005
 

Navy Publishes Photos of Damaged Sub, Torpedoes Nationwide Masturbate


"Flood Tubes One and Two 'Cause I'm About to Explode"

Analogcabin @ 4:35 PM
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When you love to get your drunk on like drunks love to get their drunk on, you've got to go the extra mile. For some, that means hiding the bottle of Jameson's in your bottom desk drawer so it's out of your manager's view. For others, it means brown-bagging your Kiwi Mad Dog so John Law can't throw you in the tank. And for the drunk on the go, it means slamming three glasses of original recipe Listerine so the breathalyzer can't sniff out your eye opener.

Analogcabin @ 4:34 PM
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
 

This is another one of those headlines:

Meteorite Hits Cambodia, Sparks Fires, Prayers

I imagine the lead up to the writing of this article went something like this:

EXT. REUTER'S HEADQUARTERS, JEW YORK CITY, AMERIKKKA
The featureless office tower seems impossibly tall, and is cloaked entirely in shadow.

INT. REUTER'S EDITORIAL BOARDROOM
Steel sodium lamps light a vast white space. Black and white PHOTOGRAPHS of indigent peoples are pinned to the walls -- a homeless legless man on the dirty streets of Delhi, a pregnant woman tilling dust in Kenya. One, of a 4-year-old African girl whose belly is bloated from hunger, has a DART in it.

MAPS of third world countries are spread across a huge table, and Cambodia is on the top. SIX MEN in khaki TRENCHCOATS and FEDORAS into the brims of which a PRESS BADGE has been tucked surround the map. They all chew on the STUBS OF CIGARS.

REPORTER ONE:
"I don't want anymore mamby pamby bullshit out of you fucking whores! We need to make these people seem like infantile man-children!"

REPORTER THREE:
"What about this..."

He raises his hands into the air as if laying out the headline on the page.

"...'SILVER BIRD' INSPIRES WORSHIP, FEAR AMONG CAMBODIANS"

REPORTER SIX:
"That's pretty good. Pretty fucking good."

REPORTER FOUR:
"I like where you're going, but the airplane thing is done."

REPORTER TWO:
"What about this meteor thing? With that, we get the we're happy it didn't hit us angle and the those silly uneducated fools angle...."

REPORTER FIVE:
Gloating and superiority. Nice.

REPORTER ONE:
"METEOR HITS CAMBODIA, SPARKS FIRES, PRAYERS"

REPORTER THREE:
Perfect. Go with it.

With that, he throws a DART into a picture of rows of STACKED BODIES overlooked by a KHMER ROUGE FIGHTER.

Analogcabin @ 10:35 AM
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Tuesday, January 25, 2005
 

You know what time of year it is: winter time. And you know what that means: colder weather for those parts of the country prone to it and fewer hours of daylight. But there's something else, too: The Oscars. And nothing heats up a wintery wintertime than a hot batch of Hollywood shoved deep into your motherfucking belly, you godless whore!

And so I say to you, "The envelope please, sugar gams!" This year's nominees are out and negroes are in! Here are a few black facts from this year's list of nominees:

40% of the Best Actor nominees are black, and 20% of them have silly made up names!

40% of the Best Supporting actor nominees are black, and 20% of them have silly made up names!

20% of the Best Actress nominees are pretty much black, and 40% of them are definitely into blacksnake, if you know what I mean!

20% of the Best Supporting Actress nominees are black!

Over 33% of the Best Animated Feature nominees feature the animated equivalent of a blackface Sambo the uppity slave performance!

The person on which the main character of Best Cinematography nominee The Passion of the Christ was based was betrayed by Judas -- a black!


Oscar says, "The blacker the berry, the sweeter the fruit!"

Analogcabin @ 2:33 PM
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Monday, January 24, 2005
 

Despite some minor evidence to the contrary -- a few flecks of white around the temple and the distinguished good looks to go with them -- I like to think that I'm still a young man. It's evidenced in my hip, but not trendy taste in music and manner of dress, my taut muscles, and my remarkable endurance. To wit, oftentimes I wander the malls of America. Whether I'm there picking up a copy of the latest Sum 41 long player or to try on some Jamz-style short pants at Pacific Sunwear, or "Pac Sun" as I like to call it, the high school-aged young ladies often stop and stare, obviously intrigued as much by my cool taste as they are by my ass. Of course, when I meet their eyes with a sly wink or playful smile, they avert their gazes and hurry off in the direction of Orange Julius and mall security, but I know they only do it so I can better behold their denim-cinched behinds.

Still, a lot has changed since I was in high school. In my day, a friend's "cool mom" was someone who agreed to drop you off a block from the Anthrax concert so it would look like you walked, or who couldn't tell when you took half the Southern Comfort and watered down the remainder to cover your tracks.

But times have changed, and, if you're in high school, they've changed for the better. Nowadays a friend's cool mom buys you meth and weed and bangs you. Take Sylvia Johnson, for example. In my day, most moms seemed interested primarily in making your teenaged years as lame as theirs. Not Sylvia. According to court papers, Johnson told investigators she was not popular in high school and, after blowing some rails of meth with the kids and sucking them off, she had finally started "feeling like one of the group." Apparently she then told police that she was a "cool mom."

And how, Sylvia. And how.

Analogcabin @ 9:28 AM
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Thursday, January 20, 2005
 

In a move that can only be described as a half-baked attempt to regain some semblance of relevance, the illusion of independence from their corporate overlords, and a readership under the age of 38, Rolling Stone recently refused to accept an advertisement from the publishers of something called Today's New International Bible.

When asked to comment on the decision, publisher/journalistic has-been Jann Wenner said, "We at Rolling Stone understand that our readers ain't down wit the Bible, yo. We choose our advertisers carefully, selecting those that we feel cloyingly seek to meet the needs of our demographic. Like Mountain Dew or ESPN's X-Games."

"Did I say young? Our young demographic. And hip. Young and hip," added Wenner. "Oh, and have you heard the latest Bob Dylan? Four stars!"

For her part, Nancy Nowicki, publisher of Today's New International Bible, expressed frustration with what she deemed to be a "bigoted" and "overpriced shit dabber" that panders to "middle-aged middle managers" with "delusions of hipness" and an "unhealthy taste for 'tween twat."

A company press release describes Today's New International Bible as "a translation of the Bible's sometimes otherworldly vocabulary and grammar into today's hip hop patois that makes the Good Word word." The following example is included.

The King James Version
LEV 15:18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.

Today's New International Bible
LEV 15:18 Dat bitch a brotha popped an dropped sumtin up into sometimes get shit dripping all up in dey shit. Hit tha fuckin' showas, son, 'cause yo shit stank until the breaka dawn.


"Have you heard the new Eagles? Four stars!"

Analogcabin @ 7:44 PM
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According to CNN, Muslims stoned a symbolic Satan today as part of the Hajj. This year again, however, the actual Satan and all of the Evil and Lies He Champions from His Unholy Throne of Thorns, were unaffected by the display.


Hajj pilgrims, below, crowd together to symbolically defeat evil, but actually accomplish little if anything at all.

Analogcabin @ 3:30 PM
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Wednesday, January 19, 2005
 



If the above CNN.com image is to be believed, cybercrime is perpetrated by crazy green alien heads radiating out of a cup of coffee. And if that's to be believed, if these rascals are coming out of our very joe, then the fight against it is a key battle indeed.

Analogcabin @ 3:04 PM
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Tuesday, January 18, 2005
 

If Memphis defense attorney Leslie Ballin is right and this is the jury pool from hell, then I want to go to hell because it sounds fucking awesome.

Ballin made the comment in reference to jury selection proceedings prior to an assault case in which a woman was accused of hitting her brother's girlfriend in the face with a brick. I know what you're thinking: That's illegal? I had the same reaction, but apparently it is in Tennessee. Right after the proceedings began, one man stood up and left the courtroom, declaring, "I'm on morphine and I'm higher than a kite right now." And how, sir.

Soon after, the prosecutor asked if anyone in the pool had been convicted of a crime. One man had been arrested and was taken to a mental hospital after he'd nearly shot his nephew. He went on to explain that he was justified, as the boy had provoked him by refusing to come out from under his bed. Sure, that's crazy... like a fox!

Another juror had been arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover cop. He obviously regretted his error, as he then offered that he "should have known something was up... she had all her teeth." Well, if learning from your mistakes disqualifies you from serving your fellow citizens in a jury, then I hope we're all disqualified.

Analogcabin @ 3:51 PM
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Look at me! I wish I were Conor Oberst! Look at me! I was in high school plays! Look at me! I have a perfectly archetypal nerd voice -- like a cartoon duck! Look at me! I'm pretending to cry!

And we wonder why the insurgents are winning.

Analogcabin @ 3:34 PM
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So there's obviously a lot to laugh at in this story -- that she fell while trying to do a handstand on a hotel balcony railing, which is a dumb thing for a person to do, and that she called out to her friend to watch her do it, which conjures images of the look of resigned disappointment on the friend's face as she realized their vacation was over. But most laughworthy is what Molly Jerman said just before she fell to her death: "Watch to see what I can still do!"

The way I see it, the comment is humorous for three reasons. The first is the implication that, considering what followed the comment, Molly meant the thing she can "still do" is fall to her death foolishly. The second funny thing is the subtle inference that she tried her old trick out, it worked, and now she was ready to perform the feat for her cohort. Hence, the invitation to "watch." The third, and my favorite, funny thing is her use of the word "still." It not only implies that she could at one point do a handstand on a balcony railing, and it also reinforces the utter wrongness of her statement. Because, as evidenced by her death, she can, in fact, no longer do a handstand on a balcony railing.

Good one, God.

Analogcabin @ 10:00 AM
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Friday, January 14, 2005
 

I'd like for you to consider a hypothetical: Suppose you write a blog, the premise of which is the ridicule of anyone unlucky enough to pass in front of a camera. And suppose that what some exceptionally generous people refer to as the "comedy" of this blog is fueled by the idiomatic use of a really fucking stupid term in pun-infected and entirely forced entry titles, like, say, "My Left Fug." Further suppose that in your heart of hearts you realize that your animus toward the anonymous many, against whom you weakly rail daily, stems from years on the receiving end of that very same brand of ridicule. Whether the ridicule was as a result of your gummy smile, melon head, browning teeth, or greasy skin is irrelevent. Also irrelevent would be if the subject were your haystack hair, sunken chest, disappearing eyebrows, or, again, greasy skin.

Supposing all this, would you allow yourself to be photographed and, further, for those photos to be
posted online?


Fucking... er, Fugging Dish It Out, Fugging Take It

Analogcabin @ 8:57 AM
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Thursday, January 13, 2005
 

Apparently when a woman who's in the shower with you points at your genitals and laughs it's against the Geneva Convention. All this time I thought it was just a convention.


Rimshot!

Analogcabin @ 3:53 PM
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Mr. WULAD -- I think he goes by "Ian" -- did this today, and, in doing so, touched the face of God, but in a good way.

Analogcabin @ 12:27 PM
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News like this, of a ruling that the Cobb County School District must remove stickers they placed into science textbooks disclaiming that "Evolution is a theory, not a fact," give me hope. But it seems like there aren't as many of them as there used to be.

Analogcabin @ 9:00 AM
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Wednesday, January 12, 2005
 

I'm not a regular Drudge reader but someone brought this to my attention, and I found it too rich to resist. The piece is about an Oval Office interview with the President conducted by reporters from the Washington Times. When they asked about the role of religion in his government, Bush volunteered this little gem:

I think people attack me because they are fearful that I will then say that you're not equally as patriotic if you're not a religious person. I've never said that. I've never acted like that. I think that's just the way it is.

Get past the horrible grammar, especially the use of the phrase "equally as," and the content is really quite frightening.

Bush also responded to questions about his policy on women in ground combat in Iraq, simply saying, "No women in combat." This mirrors Bush's policy on George Bush in combat in Vietnam, which we all recall was "No George Bushes in combat in Vietnam."

Analogcabin @ 9:12 AM
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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
 

I find this type of headline very, very funny:

Tsunami Survivor Lived on Coconuts, Prayers

If I were a betting man, I'd say it was mostly coconuts.


Tsunami Survivors Sustained by Warm Thoughts, NGO-Distributed Food Packets

Analogcabin @ 2:31 PM
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Rev. Jack Arnold died during his sermon at Covenant Presbyterian Church in Oviedo, Florida Sunday immediately upon speaking the phrase "And when I go to heaven...." Shock and grief was followed by confusion and curiosity among Arnold's parishoners, who speculated on how Arnold might have finished the sentence.

"Knowing Father Jack, I think he would have said that he'd greet all his departed loved ones," suggested Tammy Comber, 52. "He loved to talk about his dead relatives."

"Father Jack liked to leave 'em laughing," said William Conger Reilly, 43. "And he was a big Dolphins fan. I think he would have made a crack about asking God why he let Ricky Williams get away."

Sources in heaven suggest something else entirely, however, which may explain Arnold's sudden departure from the material world. "Let's just say that he might have been intending to say that he'd punch a certain omniscient someone in what he planned on calling 'the big effing mouth,'" said a source within the Choir of Angels who requested His Name not be spoken. "I mean, free will is cool and all, but if you step to The Lord, you're gonna get got."

Analogcabin @ 8:17 AM
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Monday, January 10, 2005
 

At last month's winter formal, Principal Jim Bennett of Lemoore Union High School saw something shocking -- boys and girls, some 17 and many even younger, shaking their slender, youthful hips, flexing their taught, muscular buttocks, and grinding their brittle, barely-formed pelvises together in rhythmic undulations of hormonal frenzy. And as you can imagine, the sight was too much for him to bear.

In response, Bennett made his students the following offer: Either stop your freak dancing or you won't dance at all. At least not at a school-sponsored event for the remainder of the academic year.

It's a tale as old as time itself, or at least as old as music and genitals -- 112 years, to be specific. Bennett calls it "freak dancing." In my day we called it "Lambada," or "The Forbidden Dance." In my parents' day it was called "Nigger Jigging." And in my their parents' day it was also called "Nigger Jigging." And for my money, no matter what you call it, it's a natural expression of burgeoning sexuality and a safe and healthy outlet for it.

At least that's what I tell the junior girls when I sneak into prom and lay some moves on them.

Seriously, though, the worst thing freak dancing leads to is an uncomfortable moment involving a hastily untucked shirt, a couple of fists jammed into pants pockets, and an awkward, wood-concealing shuffle off the dance floor. The students of Lemoore Union could easily be sticking their faces in a bag full of acetone and poking one another in the brown eye. And telling you what that leads to -- permanently crossed eyes, fecal incontinence, and rectal prolapse -- is preaching to the choir.

I can't put it any better than senior and student body president Zohra Lakhani:

Students save up all year to buy a dress or rent a tuxedo and buy flowers for the prom. To crush everyone's dreams by forbidding them to shake dat ass and work dat booty is not fair.

Analogcabin @ 2:00 PM
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For those of you who consoled yourselves in the thought that it couldn't get worse, Newt Gingrich is reportedly considering a run for President in 2008.


Gingrinch in 2008: Because sometimes crazy ain't crazy enough.

Analogcabin @ 8:08 AM
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Friday, January 07, 2005
 

The top story on CNN.com's front page carries the following headline:

Powell to Sri Lanka: 'We're going to do more'

Below that, this picture:



Between the lines, the following:

...by dousing the already soaked children with water.

Analogcabin @ 4:05 PM
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Thursday, January 06, 2005
 



A Nashville judge heard arguments today in a case brought by the United Daughters of the Confederacy against Vanderbilt University over the school's attempts to rename Confederate Memorial Hall. The Daughters gifted the school $150,000 to cover one-third of the building's 1930's construction cost, and they claim that renaming it would be a breach of contract. For its part, Vanderbilt claims to have meant nothing by the contracts, and to have since learned to appreciate all cultures and peoples, including the blacks.

In the interest of avoiding a drawn-out and costly legal battle, the two groups have been exchanging lists of possible alternative names. As I am a very skilled reporter of the news, I have obtained one of these lists. It is posted below.

Analogcabin @ 3:22 PM
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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
 

Actor Richard Gere, who you might remember from any of his many film roles in which he is costumed in a tuxedo and ascends or descends a starcase while holding a single red rose, played a new role recently -- that of Paletinian object d'ridicule.

Apparently a commercial in which Gere encourages Palestinians to participate in upcoming elections to determine a replacement for deceased PLO leader Charles Arafat have begun airing on Paletinian television, also known as "radio." Unfortunately, the ignorant heathens in the audience have no idea who the hell the very great actor is. To quote Gaza soap factory worker Manar an-Najar:

I don't even know who the candidates are other than Abu Mazen, let alone this Gere. We don't need the Americans' intervention. We know who to elect. Not like them -- they elected a moron.

Granted, there's some truth in the last part, but I don't think it's fair to incredulously refuse help only seconds after you've admitted that you know about only one candidate. And not knowing who Richard Gere is? It only settles the diagnosis of gross, hopeless ignorance.

These people don't need a homeland. They need swift kick in the ass and a copy of Dr. T and the Women.


The doctor is in, and the diagnosis is romance!

Analogcabin @ 1:11 PM
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Tuesday, January 04, 2005
 

In November Kendal Byrd contacted the offices of the Associated Press with the news that her 59-year-old mother Frances Harris was pregnant with twins. Harris confirmed the story in subsequent interviews, and said that 'dem babies be up in 'er despite that her tubes had been tied years earlier.

Now, according to another press release -- this one authored by her 39-year-old son Fred Jackson, Harris is not only not pregnant, she and the family would prefer that the media leave them alone. For its part, the media responded to the Harris clan request thusly:

Harris did not answer the door or phone at her rural home Tuesday. She has not responded to questions from the AP for weeks.

Or, more simply, by pounding on her door and yelling, "Who's getting fucked this time, eh Francie?" between slugs of Crazy Horse Malt Liquor.

This sad tale is obviously one of a zealously undertaken, poorly considered, and quickly regretted plan to find fame and fortune. But what except things zealously undertaken, poorly considered, and quickly regretted can we expect from a woman who is "a mother of five, grandmother of 14, and great-grandmother of six" at age 59? Still, it should be a reminder to all of us who have called the offices of AP with wild claims of, say, a penis that's corkscrewed like a pig's.


Frances Harris, above, will let you go bareback. Sly devil.

Analogcabin @ 3:34 PM
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When I say Diego Garcia, do you think of the man trimming your hedges? You shouldn't. Diego Garcia is a tiny island in the Indian Ocean that was named after the man that trims your hedges, and it's also the site of a strategically important US military base.

Why do I bring him and it up? Because, in an act of God that can only be interpreted as Holy Justification for our actions in the Middle East, geography saved the island from any effects of this tsunami you might have heard about. And I, for one, think it's about damn time geography took his mouth off the bong and did something for a change of fucking pace.

It goes to show that there are three rules of real estate those southeast Asians just don't get: location, location, location.

Analogcabin @ 11:47 AM
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Monday, January 03, 2005
 

In perhaps the most shocking news to surface since the first wave hit Sumatra, the Red Cross reports that Love Potion No. 9 star Sandra Bullock has donated $1 million to the the tsunami relief effort. According to the organization, Bullock also donated $1 million following the September 11 attacks.

This means that at some point Bullock had at least two million dollars, which only adds insult to the injuries suffered by the impoverished many in Southeast Asia.

Analogcabin @ 2:11 PM
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I know that you're all clamoring some hilarious no-you-di'int-tary on the disastrous need for a Holy Plunger in The Lord's Indian Toilet, but there's nothing I can say about that part of the world that God hasn't already said better.

Instead, I offer you this story in the same kick-'em-when-they're-down vein. The setting: that other hell-on-Earth, Africa. The article tells of a group of 20 young men who beat their male nurse to death with clubs for "not properly looking after" them during a ritual circumcision ceremony.

Now assume for a moment that the "clubs" mentioned above are not euphemistic, and that the whole story is not actually the scenario for a gay porn film called something like Kunta Kin-Gay. In that frame of mind, I ask you: Is any way other than evacuation the proper way to care for someone during circumcision sans anesthetic?

It's just another reason why Africa's slogan should be "On the Precipice of the 19th Century."

Analogcabin @ 10:57 AM
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