There are pressing issues at hand, ladies and gentlemen. Take bird flu, for example. Smart-looking people seem to think it'll be the end of us. That is, if there are any of us left after mad cow disease and SARS. And what about climate change? I know I don't have to tell you the horror that brings. Cyclone Larry just hammered northeastern Australia, and now Cyclone Glenda's got down under in her sights, too. Imagine what would happen if there were anything more important than Australians in these cyclones' paths, like the people of Delaware? I shudder to think.
So why, you might wonder, have we not brought the minds of our scientists and great financial resources to bear on these issues?
Because they were busy studying whether group prayer speeds the recovery of heart patients. And believe it or not, the answer is no. The distant, delusional mumbling of strangers will not help you recover from heart surgery.
Perhaps now that we've solved that mystery we can focus on clean energy or a cure for cancer or something.
Analogcabin @ 2:03 PM ------------------------- Justice is an elusive concept. Analogcabin @ 5:00 PM ------------------------- Finally justice has been served. Analogcabin @ 2:29 PM ------------------------- Last night I watched Kevin Costner's The Postman and because I know you haven't seen it, I'm going to tell you about it. Analogcabin @ 5:00 PM ------------------------- Sorry about the inconsistent posts, but I'm back in China. To make up for it, I offer you this coulda been great post that won't be. Analogcabin @ 12:31 AM ------------------------- A Union Pacific train leaves Austin travelling at approximately 60 miles per hour. Miss Deaf Texas leaves her house on foot and travels in the same direction along the same tracks at about 3 miles per hour. If the train sounds its horn repeatedly as it closes on Miss Deaf Texas but its warnings go unheeded, when she's hit and killed does it make a sound? Analogcabin @ 12:00 PM ------------------------- This morning I received an email from someone named Silvia Champagne, the subject of which was "A Safe Way to Drown Your Girlfriend in Cum!" Analogcabin @ 8:39 AM ------------------------- So in my first Idol post, I predicted that the Final 12 would be Taylor Hicks, Paris Bennett, Mandisa, Lisa Tucker, Katharine McPhee, Kellie Pickler, Chris Daughtry, Ace Young, Elliott Yamin, Kevin Covais, Daniel Radford, and Brenna Gethers. I'll admit to being wrong about my last two picks, Radford and Gethers, but I don't mind pointing out that the contestants who made it through instead have been in the bottom two or three consistantly. Analogcabin @ 11:15 AM ------------------------- The number of billionaries on Forbes' annual list of the super rich increased to 793 -- the largest number ever. Analogcabin @ 3:49 PM ------------------------- I never thought I'd live to see the day that Ian Holm looked better than Boy George, but I have. Analogcabin @ 10:59 AM ------------------------- There are two things about me you might be surprised to hear. One of them is that my memory isn't all that great. For that reason, I'm sure you'll forgive me if what I'm about to address was discussed during the last Presidential campaign, or at any time before or since. When it occurred to me this morning while I showered, it seemed a completely original thought, though I'll grant that I might well have been distracted by the extreme physical expenditure required to lift my weighty wiener and wash its mighty underside. Analogcabin @ 2:38 PM ------------------------- I'm finding it difficult to stop reading the Camp X-Ray interrogation logs Time published. Take a look for yourself -- link to PDF. Analogcabin @ 11:32 AM ------------------------- I was reading the news this morning because I eagerly participate in the dialogue of our times. A picture accompanied this article, which said something or other about Bush and some Indian guy. I considered the picture carefully and, after a few moments, thought to myself, Turbans are kind of cool. Analogcabin @ 10:14 AM ------------------------- There are those of you who are still skeptical of my skill as a forecaster of reality show outcomes, cultural trends, and otherwise. So I thought I'd take this opportunity to remind you of my genius. Analogcabin @ 2:57 PM -------------------------
Permalink |
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Is it just that the producers of Brokeback Mountain got Randy Quaid to waive his normal fee by claiming the film was a low-budget, independent production unlikely to make any money? Probably not, and that's why he's suing them.
On the other hand, is it just that Randy Quaid's quote is "seven-figure[s]...and [a] share of gross profits?"
Randy Quaid, mugging above, made more for Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie's Island Adventure than any teacher I've ever had made in his or her whole life.
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Student-loving teacher Debra Lafave, begging for it above, is guilty of nothing except making dreams come true. And if that's a crime, why, I'm guilty, too.
Permalink |
Monday, March 20, 2006
The first thing to know about The Postman is that it's great. That's a provocative statement, I know, and contrary to popular opinion. But isn't that why you come to The Spoonbender? To delight in provocative statements contrary to popular opinion that are also totally fucking right on? I know it is. And rest assured, The Postman is great.
Why is it great? For one, because Tom Petty's in it. But he's not just in it, he plays himself in it. A post-apocalyptic himself. It's like the "You Got Lucky" video, except with lines. Consider the below exchange:
Kevin Costner as The Postman: "Wait. I know you. You're famous."
Tom Petty as Tom Petty: "Yeah. I was. Before... this."
And how, post-apocalyptic Tom Petty. And how.
If the fact that Tom Petty plays himself in the movie isn't enough for you, know that The Postman also has the greatest denouement in all of film. Now there be spoilers ahead, so if you're already sold, stop reading now and head straight to the video store. But if you're like so many lovers of great thought and are unable to pry yourself from The Spoonbender, know this: Even my remarkable writing cannot do justice to the powerful performance of Kevin Costner that director Kevin Costner magnificently captured in the scene I'm about to describe.
The ragtag armies of The Postman and the evil General Bethlehem face each other, preparing for their final conflict. Though hopelessly outnumbered, The Postman's men and women are prepared to fight and die free. But in a shocking turn, The Postman invokes Bethlehem's Clan's 7th Law -- that any Clansman can challenge the Clan's leader at any time. Laughing, Bethlehem dismiss the claim, as The Postman is not a Clan member. The Postman then rips down the sleeve of his frayed USPS uniform to reveal the Clan's "8" brand on his shoulder. But how? He rides along the clan lines to prove the validity of his claim. Though shocked, Bethlehem agrees and the two face off. They grapple for a few moments, and The Postman appears bested. As General Bethlehem raises his sword to The Postman's neck, they share the below exchange:
General Bethlehem: "I know why you can't fight. Because to fight, you have to believe in something. I believe in something. You don't believe in anything."
Kevin Costner's The Postman: "I believe in something. I... believe... in... America!"
And with that, The Postman overturns General Bethlehem and beats him within an inch of his life.
Permalink |
Friday, March 17, 2006
I was walking through a building lobby just now and passed an area in which three sofas sat surrounding a coffee table. Three men were crowded onto each sofa. The only thing on the coffee table was a sign that said, "Please take one."
I didn't bring my camera with me this time, but if I had I would have taken a picture. I then would have posted the picture and captioned it with, Overpopulation is a serious problem in China.
Permalink |
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Permalink |
Monday, March 13, 2006
While I grant that it's a provocative way to begin a solicitation for what appears to be an ejaculation training program, I wonder how effective it is. It seems to me that those of us who are looking to drown our girlfriends in cum don't necessarily want to do it safely. The safety kind of makes the drowning in cum thing ring false, you know?
Permalink |
Friday, March 10, 2006
In retrospect, my mistake with Gethers was in overestimating how much obnoxiousness America could stomach in the name of drama. With Radford, I didn't anticipate he'd try to sing outside of his genre so early. Had he done, say, a "Moon River" instead of "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," I think he'd be standing in Bucky's place right now. Granted, he'd be standing there retardedly, but he'd be standing there.
We're now at the point in the competition where show theme has a huge impact of who goes when. For example, if disco hits when there are after Bucky's gone but before Elliott goes, someone like Chris Daughtry will have problems. That said, I think it's pretty safe to assume that we'll see Melissa McGhee go first. I suspect she's be followed by Covais and Covington, Mandisa, Young, and Tucker.
Permalink |
Thursday, March 09, 2006
And in news roughly as relevant to 99.9% of the population of the world, liquid water was discoverd one of Saturn's moons.
Alien, above left, and aliener, above right.
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Boy George, above left, appears to have been beaten to the point of full-body swelling whereas Ian Holm, above right, looks pretty darn good for his age.
Permalink |
Monday, March 06, 2006
Both George W. Bush and John Kerry went to Yale. When it came out that the much-maligned Bush's grade point average was in fact higher than East Coast intellectual Kerry's, Democrats were embarrassed and Republicans were delighted. Then the topic was promptly abandoned, as Democrats conceded defeat and Republicans wisely decided not to push a questionable hand. But now that the election is over and discussion of the topic will not be dismissed as partisan hackery, I'd like to revisit the issue.
Even Bush's most avid supporters couldn't possibly argue that the President's strength is his intellect. They often say that he's a regular guy -- a plainspoken people person whose greatest strength is the ability to surround himself with bright people and to use them well. And as ridiculous as that sounds to me personally, for the purposes of this discussion it's a point I'll concede. Bush isn't book smart -- he's people smart. If we also accept grade point average as a fair indicator of book smarts, well, the implication for John Kerry isn't a happy one.
Even less happy, and more interesting to me, is what the implication is for Yale. Were I a young scholar choosing between Harvard and Yale, or more to the point, a knowledge-loving parent of a young scholar choosing between Harvard and Yale, that the President widely thought to be the least book smart in recent memory attended Yale and did fairly well wouldn't necessarily sell me on the school. I mean, it's impressive that he became the President and everything, but that he's so dim doesn't say much for the education they're offering. And that he did better than John Kerry, a seemingly smarter guy, doesn't instill a lot of confidence in how they grade.
Permalink |
Friday, March 03, 2006
Permalink |
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Permalink |
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
In this post I revealed to you all that I'd purchased Apple stock. I explained that my hopes for the company were high. And wasn't exactly right on everything, I was close: Steve Jobs is not now Disney's CEO, but he is its largest shareholder; Disney, Pixar, and Apple did not merge, but respected financial publication Barron's said an Apple buyout of Disney might be in the cards. But behold the post yourself, naysayer, and despair.
The chart above illustrates Apple's stock performance from the date of my original post to today. If you'd invested when I did, you wouldn't be blogging right now.
Permalink |
