In a move that can only be described as a half-baked attempt to regain some semblance of relevance, the illusion of independence from their corporate overlords, and a readership under the age of 38, Rolling Stone recently refused to accept an advertisement from the publishers of something called Today's New International Bible.

When asked to comment on the decision, publisher/journalistic has-been Jann Wenner said, "We at Rolling Stone understand that our readers ain't down wit the Bible, yo. We choose our advertisers carefully, selecting those that we feel cloyingly seek to meet the needs of our demographic. Like Mountain Dew or ESPN's X-Games."

"Did I say young? Our young demographic. And hip. Young and hip," added Wenner. "Oh, and have you heard the latest Bob Dylan? Four stars!"

For her part, Nancy Nowicki, publisher of Today's New International Bible, expressed frustration with what she deemed to be a "bigoted" and "overpriced shit dabber" that panders to "middle-aged middle managers" with "delusions of hipness" and an "unhealthy taste for 'tween twat."

A company press release describes Today's New International Bible as "a translation of the Bible's sometimes otherworldly vocabulary and grammar into today's hip hop patois that makes the Good Word word." The following example is included.

The King James Version
LEV 15:18 The woman also with whom man shall lie with seed of copulation, they shall both bathe themselves in water, and be unclean until the even.

Today's New International Bible
LEV 15:18 Dat bitch a brotha popped an dropped sumtin up into sometimes get shit dripping all up in dey shit. Hit tha fuckin' showas, son, 'cause yo shit stank until the breaka dawn.


"Have you heard the new Eagles? Four stars!"

Analogcabin @ 7:44 PM
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