Suppose you're an editor for CNN.com. Heady dreams, I know, but let your imagination run wild. Let's say that, after blowing some rails of coke off of your underaged Tazmanian assistant's inner thigh, you settle in to some work. It's almost noon, after all, and you can't fuck your underlings' reuben sandwiches all day long.

Anderson Cooper, Kommissar of News and Events at CNN, pops his well-bred white head into your office. "Time to earn your seven figure salary," he says. "I've got a pile of hot stories, but the headlines are cold. Pop them in your cerebral microwave, and make sure when they go on the site they're as hot as a prematurely gray news anchor and Dan Dierdorf in a sauna filled with fresh-cooked Jello."

That's pretty fucking hot, you think to yourself. But I'm up for it.

About three or four stories in, you get to one detailing the homecoming of an 8-year-old Nevada girl. She'd been kidnapped and taken to Mexico by a convicted sex offender. Obviously there's a lot in the story to sink your teeth into, but what do you come up with?

Nevada Girl Found in Mexico Glad to be Home

Duh.

Of course she's glad to be home. Anyone not from Mexico is fucking thrilled to be out Mexico. Even Mexicans are glad to be out of Mexico. Nevadan Wants to Make Home in Mexico? Now that's a news story I'd read.

And then there's the whole sex offender thing, and the fact that the man was the mother's boyfriend. I mean, how much more juice could there be? Man Takes Girlfriend's 8-Year-Old Daughter South of the Border Now that works. Or, Man to Girlfriend's Preteen Daughter: 'Gimme some Chimi!' Or, Girl to Mom's Mexican Boyfriend: 'Hold the Sour Cream!

Analogcabin @ 2:37 PM
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