Yesterday was a big day for America. Not only did we finally win the War on Drugs, but we also set a precedent that will allow us to bring the handicapped-hating non-American world to heel.

It's great news, I know. But what's this? You hadn't heard? Well, allow me to edutain you.

Both of these great accomplishments came thanks to our Supreme Court. The first was a ruling in a case brought against the government on behalf of bleary-eyed hopheads including Angel Raich, whose "doctor" felt as though smoking marijuana would be the best treatment for her "inoperable brain tumor." Our glorious government argued that the federal Controlled Substances Act trumps laws in Alaska, Colorado, Hawaii, Maine, Montana, Nevada, Oregon, Vermont, Washington, Arizona, and California that allow for the cultivation and use of medical marijuana. The Justice Department rationale was that homegrown medicinal pot impacts interstate commerce, though it's not actually bought, sold, or transported over state lines, essentially because neglecting to prosecute users of it undermines other enforcement efforts -- efforts that are, as evidenced by the incredible scarcity of marijuana nationwide, going really well. The success of the argument in front of the Court could bolster the government's efforts to tax and regulate home-cooked food products -- products that are, though not generally bought, sold, or transported much more than a few miles, analogous to foodstuffs manfactured by companies like Hostess that are heavily regulated. There were three dissenters who, evidently, are potheads.

The second triumph of democracy came when the Court ruled that the Americans with Disabilities Act was found to apply to even boats that do not fly an American flag. Lawyers arguing on behalf of the cruise industry said that, while cruise ships do often host American citizens, they are not technically American vessels. They went on to say that, if American law applies to foreign vessels simply because Americans are on-board, then American law should apply to any place where there might be Americans -- Disney World, for example. When Justice Sandra Day O'Connor pointed out that Disney World is in fact in Florida, which is part of the United States, the cruise industry lawyers cited another example -- Cabo San Lucas. Cruise industry lawyers then suggested that if God had wanted handicapped people on boats, he wouldn't have made them handicapped. Justice Department lawyers countered by saying that God did indeed want handicapped people on boats just as He wanted someone other than Saddam Hussein in power in Iraq, and that's why He made America the most powerful nation on Earth. When Justice Antonin Scalia asked whether the government was suggesting that, if the bathroom doors in Sammy Hagar's Cabo Wabo Cantina were too narrow to allow wheelchairs through, America would be justified in invading Mexico, the Justice Department lawyers said simply, "Yes." There were four dissenters who, evidently, hate the handicapped.

Analogcabin @ 9:54 AM
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