Monday, December 13, 2004

If there's one thing about me on which everyone can agree, it's that I'm romantic. That's because in my life, romance is more than just the occasional bouquet of calla lilies, a dinner out at a fine restaurant serving French-infused Asian cuisine, or cuddling under a microchenille blanket and stargazing. It's a personal philosophy. I infuse romance into my every moment. When I wake up, it's with romance. When I shower, I seduce my nooks and crannies with a soft washcloth and goat's milk soap. When I eat breakfast, my Grape Nuts are slathered in vanilla soy milk gently, slowly put into my mouth, and savoured with an "ou." When I drive my car, I do so with skill and grace, gripping the wheel firmly and working the clutch in and out at the most appropriate times. When I doodie, I pull down my pants sensuously, sit upon the cool, clean toilet seat, and I squeeze my muscles rhythmically until the poop bursts forth from my bottom. Sometimes, I read a wonderful book while doing it.

As you can imagine, many people try to emulate my remarkable romancery. Usually, I'm flattered by the often clumsy but generally well-intended attempts. But today, I feel compelled to share with you a cautionary tale of a very misguided attempt at romance.

The conveniently-named 19-year-old Marine David Battle was wounded in Falluja. While operating on him, doctors informed Battle that he had a choice -- either lose his wedding ring and keep his finger or lose his finger and keep his wedding ring. He chose the latter.

There's nothing romantic about stupidity. While I'm sure we're all very moved by Battle's sacrifice for his country and by the intention of his decision, the bottom line is this: He's got one less finger with which to satisfy his child bride. And when you're dealing with a 19-year-old woman deprived of any contact with her betrothed for months at a time, the true romantic knows, you're gonna need all the fingers you can get, Frodo.

To add insult to serious digital injury, the very doctors that gave Battle the choice of his finger or the ring later lost the wedding band "in the confusion." Now I'm only a doctor of romance, but where I come from, if you make somebody an offer like that and don't deliver, there's a word for it: bullshit.

Analogcabin @ 9:02 AM
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