There are countless reasons that you read The Spoonbender. Some of you read it because you find my writing inspirational. Others, because you find my ideas revolutionary. Still others because my brain arouses you spiritually and, yes, sexually. But above all, you come here day after day because you know that I am just and I am fair. You know I will prosecute the possibly guilty and I will defend in the indefensible.

And it is because I am just that I call bullshit on the latest Michael Jackson molestation lawsuit. Sure, it would be easy to make a joke at the Diddlin' One's expense, but there's nothing funny about being wrongly accused of the things this lawsuit alleges: "harmful or offensive contact with an intimate part" of someone's body, including "cutting with a razor blade," "puncturing the chest with steel wire," "biting," and forcing a person to "consume mood-altering substances." Believe me, I know.

Carefully examination of the charges reveals that 20 years ago when the incidents allegedly occurred the accuser was 18. First off, we know that Michael simply isn't interested in men that old. Secondly, 20 years ago Michael was roughly 25. I refuse to believe that there's an 18-year-old man anywhere in the world physically incapable of fighting off unwanted sexual contact from Michael Jackson that isn't a midget or quadriplegic.

And finally, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I submit the following: Where I come from there's a name for an 25-year-old forcing an 18-year-old to do drugs and then cutting his genitals with a razor blade -- "Hazing." It's fun, it builds character, and it's what makes America great. And, sure, it's kind of hot, but if sexy is a crime, then send me to the chair.


Michael Jackson, umbrellaed above, is guilty of nothing but good, clean fun involving razor blades, wire, and genitals.

Analogcabin @ 4:34 PM
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