Lest you all think I'm crass and callous, I thought I'd take this opportunity to discuss the recent news report out of Florida in which a 480-pound woman died after melding to her sofa, a spot from which she hasn't been able to rise for six years. You see, the human body is made of cells, which are constantly dying. Luckily, our body makes new cells, which replace the old cells. Now, if you lie in one spot for six years, your cells will die and new cells will grow - and when they are formed, they will grow in, around, and through whatever material you are in contact with. Thus, they will fuse you to the couch you can't get off of. And when the paramedics come, and attempt to cart you off to the hospital, they will try to pry you from the couch you are now intertwined with. Don't be alarmed if your skin is grafted to the fabric and, in the process of trying to get up, your skin is more tightly joined to the sofa than your flesh. See, what will happen - and this is sort of interesting - is your skin will fall off and you will die.

Truly, a lesson for us all.

You know, last weekend, I ventured back to the small town in Indiana where I grew up to attend a friend's wedding. I completely forgot how obese people are in the Midwest. The people there, well, they're fat, and they're everywhere; their prevalence is amazing. They were driving, riding lawnmowers, eating at Taco Bell, shopping in Sears, and sitting next to me at the bar. But rarely, if ever, did I notice them walking, or riding a bike, or rolling out the yoga mats. Yet, of course, it's not their fault, sincerely. And let's not even get into Enablers.

Now, I realize I'm an insenstive ass. That's just how I do. And thankfully, the Lord above blessed me with a high metabolism, a thin frame, and a truly spectacular, tight ass. So, obviously, I realize that some people are more pre-disposed to obesity than others, and for these people it is difficult to maintain a healthy and svelte body size. All I'm saying is that the next time you're lying on the sofa and you realize that you've been there for a couple of years without moving an inch, remember the story of Gayle Laverne Grinds. It may do you well to at least change your clothes, or move to another couch, lest your skin starts getting too cozy with that pea-green, paisley-patterned faux-suede you've been burrowing into.


This image represents just one of many obese people being "active", and not spending six years at a time on the same couch. Also, it's somehow very funny.

Mathis @ 9:24 AM
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