Monday, August 30, 2004

Kevin Smith, the nerdy, pudgy director best known for his 1994 low budget indie breakthrough Clerks, told AP Friday that his next project will be a sequel to his 1994 cult hit Clerks.

After a stunning string of artistic and commercial failures such as Mallrats, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Dogma, and Jersey Girl, few in the movie making community are surprised that Smith has chosen now to draw from the Clerks well.

"At first, you want to root for Kevin, like he's a twenty to one at Belmont you got a couple hundo on," said longtime Smith confidant and maker of equally dubious career choices Ben Affleck. "But then you're just like, alright, you fucking geek, shut the fuck up and go away, you know? I mean enough with the comic books and Silent Bob and shit. It's not working with anyone."

"Kevin's important to Miramax, and he's important to me," said melon-headed mogul Harvey Weinstein, his already gruff voice made more powerful as it echoes in his cavernous acne scars. "Unfortunately, he's pretty much proven unable to make anything watchable. Ten strikes and you're out, if you know what I mean. So we might as well squeeze what's left out of him before he starts directing episides of Alias."

Smith says he'll call the sequel The Passion of the Clerks, proving he's learned nothing from his repeated failed attempts at stretching the thinnest jokes out over films or series of films.

"Clerks was a singular experience -- an utterly unique moment in my life and my career," said Smith. "I look forward to sullying it."

Analogcabin @ 3:11 PM
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