Friday, January 30, 2004

We're just short of a month into 2004, but it's already clear that midgets are this year's gays.

The first evidence came in the form of Jasmine Arteaga -- America's bitsiest Idol. Now I can't honestly discuss Jasmine without a couple of confessions. The first is that I've always been incapable of picturing dwarves doing certain things. I'm not talking about competitive high jumping. That would make sense. I'm talking about things like writing cursive or drawing a picture well. Like walking backwards without toppling over, riding a bicycle, or winking. There's no logic to why these things seem to me impossible for dwarves, but they do. Before seeing Jasmine on American Idol, singing was one of them. My second confession is that I found Jasmine kind of sexy. Not sexy like I find that one girl on Las Vegas sexy, and not sexy like some people find midget porn sexy, either. Just run of the mill sexy.

I realize how thrilling this revelation would be for Jasmine.

But let's be honest, here. Jasmine was OK. She certainly defied my midget expectations, but she wasn't up to the level of the others that made it through to the next round. Simon and Skinflap lowered the bar. But it's the Year of the Midget, and I couldn't be happier about it.

Then there's Fox's announcement of a new reality dating show called The Littlest Groom. A friend brought it to my attention, as he was quite excited about the prospect. As soon as I saw the words "little person" in the press release, I made my mental commitment. I'll watch the entire season, and if five more midget shows come along, I'll watch them, too.

It's like Queer Eye was last year. We all couldn't wait to see what those fabulous gays would do or say next. This year, it's midgets. We'll all be watching intently, thinking, How the hell is he gonna get that Coke can open?

Sing into the microphone.
American Idol Jasmine Arteaga Turns On, Looks Up

More forehead!
The Littlest Groom Glen leans toward the camera to maximize forehead visibility.

Analogcabin @ 11:55 AM
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