I'm all for going to Mars, but doesn't it seem like this billion could be put off a bit? I'm starting to get the feeling that Bush's cabinet meetings are less like "a blind man in a room full of deaf people," like Paul O'Neill says, and more like a room ful of stoners hashing it out as they go.

The following is excerpted from my never-to-be-written play about the Bush administration, Burning Bush: A Joker, a Smoker, and a Midnight Toker.

On benches facing out from the oft-portrayed porch behind the Oval Office are seated George W. Bush, the President, and a number of members of his cabinet. It is night. A twelve pack of Hawaiian Punch sits open on the ground, as does a box of Bugles. They are passing a green glass bong shaped like a dragon between them.

Spencer Abraham, Sec. of the Interior:
Mineta. I think this is beat. You might have to pack it again.

Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta takes the bong from Abraham.

Tom Ridge, Sec. of Homeland Security:
Seriously, though. I'm totally serious. It'd just be this card, right, and it'd have, like, everything about you on it. Seriously.

Tommy Thompson, Sec. of Health and Human Services:
But what's that cost, Tomboy? I mean, it's gotta be a shitload. For everybody in the country? A fuckin' shitload.

Abraham:
No doubt. Probably like a billion dollars, anyway.

Bush:
Dude. Dude! Check that out.

The President points toward a bright star in the night sky above the capital.

Bush:
See it?

Elaine Chao, Sec. of Labor:
I don't see it....

Donald Rumsfeld, Sec. of Defense:
That's 'cause you're squinting, Chao Chao. Oh, wait, I'm sorry....

They all laugh. Rumsfeld elbows Chao in the ribs, smiles, then he takes the bong from her and hits it.

Bush:
Right there. It's Mars. I have this awesome telescope at the ranch, and I can see, like, every planet in the universe, practically.

Thompson:
That's amazing. I can't believe it's Mars. Can you even imagine how far away that is? So fucking far, dude.

Abraham:
Yeah. Like a billion miles or something.

Bush:
I'll bet we could get an astronaut there.

Thompson:
No fucking way, dude. There is no. Fucking. Way.

Bush:
There totally is.

Ridge:
Yeah. Prolly. I don't know, though. It's like, why, you know? And it'd be so fucking costy.

Thompson:
Yeah. Super costy.

Bush:
Fuck that. I'll bet it wouldn't be that costy. I mean, we fucking took over Iraq and have, like, what? A million soldiers totally living there right now, right Rumsmells?

Donald Rumsfeld finishes a hit and speaks through held breath.

Rumsfeld:
Pretty much.

Bush:
And wha'did that cost?

Rumsfeld breathes out. Smoke continues out of his mouth as he speaks.

Rumsfeld:
I dunno. A billion dollars?

Bush:
Yeah, dude. Like a billion dollars.

Bush accepts the bong from Rumsfeld as the group stares up at Mars. He takes a deep hit, then he speaks through held breath.

Bush:
I'm totally going to ask congress.

Analogcabin @ 2:26 PM
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