Wednesday, January 14, 2004

I'm all for going to Mars, but doesn't it seem like this billion could be put off a bit? I'm starting to get the feeling that Bush's cabinet meetings are less like "a blind man in a room full of deaf people," like Paul O'Neill says, and more like a room ful of stoners hashing it out as they go.

The following is excerpted from my never-to-be-written play about the Bush administration, Burning Bush: A Joker, a Smoker, and a Midnight Toker.

On benches facing out from the oft-portrayed porch behind the Oval Office are seated George W. Bush, the President, and a number of members of his cabinet. It is night. A twelve pack of Hawaiian Punch sits open on the ground, as does a box of Bugles. They are passing a green glass bong shaped like a dragon between them.

Spencer Abraham, Sec. of the Interior:
Mineta. I think this is beat. You might have to pack it again.

Secretary of Transportation Norman Mineta takes the bong from Abraham.

Tom Ridge, Sec. of Homeland Security:
Seriously, though. I'm totally serious. It'd just be this card, right, and it'd have, like, everything about you on it. Seriously.

Tommy Thompson, Sec. of Health and Human Services:
But what's that cost, Tomboy? I mean, it's gotta be a shitload. For everybody in the country? A fuckin' shitload.

No doubt. Probably like a billion dollars, anyway.

Dude. Dude! Check that out.

The President points toward a bright star in the night sky above the capital.

See it?

Elaine Chao, Sec. of Labor:
I don't see it....

Donald Rumsfeld, Sec. of Defense:
That's 'cause you're squinting, Chao Chao. Oh, wait, I'm sorry....

They all laugh. Rumsfeld elbows Chao in the ribs, smiles, then he takes the bong from her and hits it.

Right there. It's Mars. I have this awesome telescope at the ranch, and I can see, like, every planet in the universe, practically.

That's amazing. I can't believe it's Mars. Can you even imagine how far away that is? So fucking far, dude.

Yeah. Like a billion miles or something.

I'll bet we could get an astronaut there.

No fucking way, dude. There is no. Fucking. Way.

There totally is.

Yeah. Prolly. I don't know, though. It's like, why, you know? And it'd be so fucking costy.

Yeah. Super costy.

Fuck that. I'll bet it wouldn't be that costy. I mean, we fucking took over Iraq and have, like, what? A million soldiers totally living there right now, right Rumsmells?

Donald Rumsfeld finishes a hit and speaks through held breath.

Pretty much.

And wha'did that cost?

Rumsfeld breathes out. Smoke continues out of his mouth as he speaks.

I dunno. A billion dollars?

Yeah, dude. Like a billion dollars.

Bush accepts the bong from Rumsfeld as the group stares up at Mars. He takes a deep hit, then he speaks through held breath.

I'm totally going to ask congress.

Analogcabin @ 2:26 PM
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