Writing for a blog is tough, but it's nothing like writing a cover letter.

I approach writing cover letters with a level of enthusiasm usually reserved for root canals. Or prison yard rape. To me, they're awful. Draining. Rife with humiliation. Still, I was forced to write a lot of them over the past year. Sometimes, to liven things up, I would write "high-concept" (read "ridiculous") cover letters and contemplate sending them, with the hopes that the recipient would appreciate my creativity and thus catapault me up the ladder because I "think outside the box" or some shit.

One of them I wrote as Scott Howard, the character played by Michael J. Fox in "Teen Wolf." In the letter, I adknowledged being a werewolf, and explained how my experience as a lupus made me the ideal candidate for the job. Something about tenacity and "going for the jugular." In the final paragraph, I suggested that any other candidates for the job be given my photograph and general description, so as to avoid me come the next full moon. I warned that in my werewolf state, I could not be reasoned with, and would kill them on sight. I think I even went so far as to create a resume for that one.

What follows is one of said cover letters. If I read it tomorrow and still thinks it's funny, I'll publish some more, sans introduction. Maybe, if you're lucky, I'll post the one where I pretend to be Robert Altman.

October 24, 2002

TFC Direct
Marketing Department
Attn: Rodney Kohlmeyer
3423 Canoga Avenue
Woodland Hills, CA 91367

Dear Mr. Kohlmeyer:

You are in grave danger.

Now whatever you do, Rodney, do not panic. You must keep reading, because they’re watching you. Right now, at this very moment, hidden surveillance cameras are recording your every move. You must appear as if nothing out of the ordinary has happened. Just keep reading. Look bored. Pretend this is your usual, run-of-the-mill cover letter. Good. Very good. You may survive this yet.

Now, on your desk there is a pen. Pick it up. Use it to copy this letter word by word as you read. That way, you can concentrate on its contents, while giving off the appearance of normal work habits. Continue in this manner, and I will outline my plan to get you out of this thing.

My guess is you are hungry for information at the moment. Our first objective should be to establish a close, regular proximity, a place where we can meet on a daily basis, without drawing attention to ourselves.

My plan is this: I will apply for a job at the company where you work. From a recent scan of the job listings, I have discovered your organization is looking for a new marketing assistant. The timing could not be better.

With my background in the mortgage industry, I will appear perfectly qualified. Hiring me makes perfect sense, and no one will be the wiser. If, for whatever reason, someone does ask for a justification, tell them the following:

[Here, I would list my actual qualifications for the job]

All of the above is fact, and supported by record. These qualifications (as outlined in the enclosed "resume"), partnered with a glowing recommendation from you, should be enough to secure me the job.

Then, once I am set up as your co-worker, over what will be without a doubt a long and fruitful tenure, I can disclose to you in detail the remainder of my plan. With our combined skills and resolve, plus faith and a little luck, we'll get through this thing, goddamnit. Just know you're not alone anymore, Rodney. You've got a partner in this thing. That partner is me.

When you have successfully convinced your superiors that I am the ideal candidate for the marketing assistant job , call this telephone number: 310.403.4383. Ask for "Jimmy." I will respond with: "This is him." We will arrange for the initial "interview." If the voice on the line does not answer using this exact phrasing, then it is too late-- I am already dead. Drop the phone, and run for your life.

That is all, Rodney. I'll wait to hear from you. Good luck, and Gods speed.


Sincerely,

Jimmy Saffron
Enclosure

Jimmy Saffron @ 11:20 PM
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