Hiya, friends! The much ballyhooed Rob Diener, here. Y'know, after an exhausting five and a half hours laboring in the pizza mines*, there's nothing I find more relaxing than writing a little something for a website that I'm guessing is seen by even fewer people than my own**. But before I got down to it just now, I checked my e-mail, and found one new message, an anonymous one***. The message was short and spicy: "lame punk."

Now, for one thing, I may not be the most dexterous person in the world, but, you know, all my limbs work, so I'm definitely not lame. As for being called a punk, well, I'd be lying if I said I don't consider it praise, and I can't deny that I like to think of myself as 100% punk rock in a nebulous kind of way, but let's face it--I'm way too much of a pussy to be considered a punk. And more than that, I'm an upper middle class, private school-educated Jew. I wear khaki pants and Banana Republic polos. Not all the time, but I feel even once is enough to take someone out of the running. I'd say my biggest claim to being PUNK ROCK is that I held my own in the front row of two boisterous Shane MacGowan shows in Washington D.C., a very PUNK ROCK city at that (if you ask the upper middle class private school kids who make up about 90% of the city's white youth population). But this is easily overridden by the fact that I twisted my ankle the only time I ever got on a skateboard. Oh, and that I love Margaret Thatcher with a passion I am not equipped to put into words.

So, anyway, the message. "lame punk". I did a little research, and found that the timing of the message seemed to coincide with someone who'd come to my site via search engine. Further research keyed me in to the search query this asshole had used--Ralphie May.

Ralphie May. Ralphie May. I don't know if any of you watched "Last Comic Standing: The Search for the Funniest Person in America", but it sucked. More to the point, Ralphie May was one of the two finalists. My take was that he was no good, not because he is profoundly obese, but because he is a white Houstonian who basically puts on a black accent and tells racist jokes, mitigated by his poking fun at himself and other fat people. So, all I know**** is, someone searched for this guy*****, found my site at the top of the tenth page of search results, read at least part of the page that contained my review of the final episode of "LCS: TSFTFPIA", and sent me an anonymous e-mail filled with impotent rage. I like to think it was Ralphie himself******. And if you're reading this Ralphie, I'd just like to say that I bear you no ill, that I hope you make a nice life for yourself with your comedy. I was only kidding around, I guess. I mean, sure, I think you suck, but I don't want to see you living on the street or nothing. You feelin' me? We cool.

* - I am a pizza boy. Well, man, really. I'm no boy.

** - Funnsylvania.com, as seen in Money Magazine

*** - The only good thing on my site is a form that lets people send anonymous messages. You'd be amazed by how many cowards there are out there.

**** - Well, I don't really know. Not for sure. But there's a good chance.

***** - I've been getting tons of people finding my site by searching for Ralphie May lately. It saddens me that he could potentially make a lot of money, seeing as there are so many fat white racist kids who speak ebonics out there.

****** A guy can have his dreams, can't he?

Rob @ 11:12 PM
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