'Citizen Peabs'

Friday, January 30, 2004  

A late entrant into the race, presidential candidate and author of the "Obvs in '04" campaign, Peabs consistently polls lower than less mercurial competitors, such as Howard Dean. His tactics are unusual, and some would say extreme, but his in your face style has garnered notice from pundits as well as mainstream competitors including John Kerry.

Detractors claim he's utterly unelectable, personally irresponsible, and ethically repugnant. His supporters argue that Peabs is exactly what America needs. Is he a flash in the pan, or the future of politics in America? As part of CNN's ongoing coverage of the Presidential primaries, Lou Dobbs Tonight host Lou Dobbs sat down with Peabs.

LD: You entered the race relatively late in the campaign season. Was the decision strategy, or did hearing your opponents inspire you to jump in?

Peabs: Strategy, schmobvs. I figured, let all these fat-ass politicos spend a bunch of dough on their worthless campaigns, let them knock each other out. I took my initial funds and blew them all on crack and whores. Crackwhores, if you will. Shmears.

LD: Your critics say that what's been dubbed "the Peabs brand" of politics is too extreme for the masses, and that a Peabs/Bush race would be a blowout.

Peabs: More than words can show you feel that your love for Peabs is rizz, Lou. That's how effing extreme my campaign is.

LD: What would you say to those that claim genital size and curvature is unimportant to the electorate, and that your attacks on John Kerry relating to said are the worst kind of negative campaigning and mudslinging?

Peabs: Peabs only speaks truths, Lou. Obvs, if you've got a small D, I'm gonna attack you. I don't feel this is "mudslinging," per se, just brutal honesty from a man who happens to be blessed down below. Bovs.

LD: In an interview aired on another network, you said, and I'm quoting here, "...Peabs gets behind the wheel effed out of his mizz." Are you trying to say that you drive drunk?

Peabs: Indeed I do, Lou. Do I have a record? Obvs! And I'd be willing to bet these other jackoffs have records as wizz. They're just too big a pussies to admit such right-doings. Shit, I've done fucking coke with Dubya, and H with Edwards. I am almost sure Howie Dean was cranked out of his mizz on some of my very own meth when he made that infamous speech in Iowa.

LD: An average of more than 1,000 American jobs are exported daily to foreign countries, the citizenry of which is usually brown in color.

Peabs: Tigs.

LD: Peabs, thanks for taking the time out to talk with us.

Peabs: Obvs in '04, Lou. Obvs in motherfucking '04.

Lou Dobbs' interview with Peabs airs in its entirety tonight on CNN.

'Exporting America'
Click here for the list of companies that the "Lou Dobbs Tonight" staff has confirmed to be Exporting America.

Tonight's thoughts
"So tigs. Shats to the boombalats. Schmobvs."
Peabs (b. 1977)