I read a story today, the sadness of which gave me pause; for even though barely a week has passed since I spun tragic carnage into comedy gold, there are some topics which can cause the most cynical of pundits to think twice about cracking wise. However, this is my last day at The Spoonbender, so I must offend now, or forever hold my cowardly peace.

I'm speaking of the charming Oklahoma woman who gave birth to a baby after consuming a case of beer (Shlitz? Meister Brau? This could be of vital medical importance), and said she regularly drank during her pregnancy.

The tragedy is that the child--drunken, uneducated, and possibly retarded--may never have the chance to grow into adulthood in the very location, Oklahoma, where those qualities are most valued.

In other depressing news, the Chinese, who are rapidly losing the political capital they accrued by inventing fireworks and spaghetti, announced yesterday that they were prepared to launch nuclear warheads at the United States in the event of a conflict over Taiwan, prompting U.S. officials to respond, "Tai-who? You all look the same to us."

Ian @ 8:38 AM
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