Breathe out, America, and unzip your flies.

While I can imagine the eternities you've all lived over the two weeks of my absence, I'd be lying if I said that my time away from you was anything short of bliss. And bliss not only for me, but for the many tourists who were treated to the sight of my lithe, powerful body lacquered to a brilliant sheen by the crystal Caribbean waters and tanned golden by the bright, hot sun. And bliss not only for them, but for the darkest of dark locals given the distinct priviledge of attending to my many needs. From Nado, who so cheerily blended bananas, ice, and various rums into a beverage of my choosing, to Tracy... especially Tracy, whose well-trained hands kneaded, stroked, and chopped at the body that stars in the most secret dreams of so many. And to have been paid for the delight. Why, it's almost too fantastic to imagine, even for me, and I was there.

But I am back, refreshed, and ready to slake your thirst for my comedy juice. Before I commence slaking, however, I'd like to thank WULAD's "Ian" for tending you while I was gone. I'm sure we all agree that there's really no substitute for me, but "Ian" certainly earned his The Spoonbender t-shirt. And his girlfriend her The Spoonbender panties.

So much has happened since I was gone, I really don't know where to begin. There was hurricane Dennis, its associated coverage, and subsequent "skewering" by The Daily Show. Now, if you're like me, you don't watch The Daily Show unless you're on vacation in the Bahamas and are very drunk. Maybe it's because it's on so late at home, or it could be because you're so much funnier than it is, and watching it since Kilborn left is like watching Dana Carvey on Saturday Night Live. Regardless of the reason, the bit in which Stephen Colbert is strapped to a chair and watches "overblown" hurricane coverage felt to me like getting raped by a man with Down's Syndrome -- it took too long to accomplish something conceived by an idiot, and was downright unenjoyable.

Then there was the London bombing. I want to be the first person to say these acts of cowardice will not stand, and that my thoughts are with the victims of the terrible tragedy. For example, these girls. That horrible, dusky villains felt justified to take away these girls' vacation is objectionable enough, but to have left them with flashbacks is even worse. Never again will these two be able to enjoy a lover warning them to mind their gaps before exploding in their tubes.


The Benton sisters, above, flash the universal sign for "They might have taken my foot skin, but they didn't take my acne!"

Analogcabin @ 1:18 PM
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