By now you've all heard about the Utah boy who went missing for four days in the mountains, and you've had a chance to think to yourself, Why does this always happen to kids in Utah? Latter Day Saints? More like Latter Day Ain'ts, those child-losing babyeaters! Well, searchers found the little pain in the ass yesterday, which I think you'll all agree conclusively proves that Joseph Smith was right about polygamy.

Anyway, the thing that struck me about this story is the headline: "Scout's parents: 'Brennan continues to amaze us.'" That's because, based on what they said within the article, it should have continued, "...with his stupidity." Consider the words of his mother:

He had two thoughts going through his head all the time. Toby [the father] always told him that if you get lost, [to] stay on the trail. So he stayed on the trail. We've also told him don't talk to strangers ... when an ATV or horse came by he got off the trail ... when they left, he got back on the trail. His biggest fear, he told me, was someone would steal him.

What a stupid kid. When you're alone in the fucking woods for days without food or water, you've got to prioritize your concerns. In those straights, the smart Scout's motto is, "Be prepared to put out in exchange for water." While I can imagine that getting molested sucks, I'd bet dying from dehydration alone in the woods is more than a little bit worse.

All this also goes to show, no matter what they advertise, being a Boy Scout teaches you nothing about using a compass.


Brennan Hawkins' parents, above, learned you can teach a child to hide from strangers, but you can't teach him common fucking sense.

Analogcabin @ 3:33 PM
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