Tuesday, May 31, 2005

The truth is that the truth sucks.

There are those who will say something pompous and self-righteous like: Bull roar, Author of The Spoonbender! The truth is the least sucky thing there is, for it is the foundation of everything. It is that which we all seek, and it is that which will, to paraphrase someone, set us free. Maybe in saying that, you'd be right in some kind of abstract, philosophical way. But frankly, based on your track record, I doubt it.

In any case, that's not the truth I'm talking about. I'm talking actual, objective, verifiable truths. And the truth about those truths is that they're always disappointing. They take the wind out of your sails and they rain on your parade.

See? Just now. You realized I was right -- that what I said about the truth was the truth -- and it was disappointing, wasn't it? It was. I can see it in your eyes. But, for the sake of the others, let's continue, shall we? After all, no reason not to. The truth is that you've got nothing better to do.

Here's an example.

People have been speculating about the identity of Deep Throat for more than 30 years. His identity was one of the few real intrigues of our modern history, and the story captured the American imagination the way only a David and Goliath story can. The subject has been the focus of countless books and articles, the focus of a number of films, and the inspiration for at least one elegaic shanty by Gordon Lightfoot.

But when today we learned that Deep Throat was former FBI big wig W. Mark Felt, you could almost hear the nation's bored and resigned sigh. There goes another topic of conversation.

So, in the tradition of truths that are way less exciting than the alternative, I give you The Spoonbender's 9 Truths That Are Much Less Exciting Than The Alternative.

"Just under six inches."

"I took her back to her place, but I was nervous, so I decided to just head home."

"My parents loved me."

"Of course it's for oil, but we all know it'll come down to this eventually."

"I'm pretty sure I don't have any black ancestors."

"I asked if she ever tried it back there, but she seemed grossed out so I dropped it."

"I had work the next day, so I just kind of spread it around on the mirror and hoped they wouldn't notice."

"I walked in on them, but the guy was like 6'1" and pretty built, so I just left and cried for a while."

"Of course I don't like it on my face, but I need the money."

Analogcabin @ 4:29 PM
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