Monday, May 23, 2005

It probably seems to many of you that I've been tough on scientists lately. Maybe even too tough. Well, you know what? Fuck you. I do it because I know scientists' potential and want to see that potential realized. If scientists becoming the scientists I think they can become means tears or that from time to time I'll be subjected to an "I hate you, Author of The Spoonbender!," followed by a stomping up the stairs and a slamming of the bedroom door, then I can live with that. The bad guy role isn't one I chose, but I'll play it.

So these scientists at the Lawrence Livermore Labs are currently working on creating the world's most powerful laser.

I know what you're thinking. Another of GWB's diabolical plans? Perhaps to plant popcorn in the home of the Ayatollah, and then to cook it from space, thereby accomplishing a dis "the likes of which God has never seen.

In a word, no. Apparently the primary purpose of building this laser is because it can be used to test our long-dormant nuclear arsenal. How? I have no fucking clue. Why? Because we stopped underground testing long ago, and I suppose we want some assurance that when we drop a few on Pyongyang they do more than give everyone a good fright.

Oh. And the laser will also be used to generate a fusion reaction in laboratory conditions.

I know what you're thinking. "Fusion Reaction?" Isn't that a record by Chick Corea? No, you fucking boob. A fusion reaction is when atoms are fused in a way the releases more energy than is required to initiate the reaction.

I don't think I need to explain to anyone who has seen The Saint the importance of this event, and yet these sonofabitching scientists seem to think that testing some nukes is a bigger deal. That's like inventing the automobile and saying it's an amazing place to get a blowjob. It might be true, but it's hardly the selling point.

And so I say to you, scientists, take a page from Elizabeth Shue's character's book in The Saint. When you explain fusion, say it like this: "Fusion is, like, totally important because it means, like, completely free energy for everyone." Then lean over a table and push your tits together.

High tech stuff, above, is required to build a big laser.

Analogcabin @ 3:12 PM
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