Thursday, May 05, 2005

I'll admit that it's been a while since I was a child, though I'd like to believe that I've retained not only a youthful appearance but also a childlike sense of wonderment with the world. Lord knows I've maintained the affinity for peeping I developed as a boy. From time to time, however, I feel as though I can't relate to today's children at all. At all.

Upon waking this morning and following my daily excercize routine of 30 minutes of Tai Chi, 30 minutes of bikram yoga, 300 knuckle pushups, 500 abdominal crunches, and a merciless buggering of my Fleshlight, "Trudy," I tuned in CNN. Like I'd imagine many of you were, I was alarmed to be met with a "Multiple Explosions in New York" banner. We live in an age of tyranny, after all, and also Gina Gershon lives in New York. Losing her prior to our long-fated meeting and my loveless and rigorous rogering of her saucy, saucy mouth would be too much for me to bear.

Thankfully, no one was hurt, and especially not Gina (you will always be 'Gina to me, my sweet.) Also thankfully, the assault was upon the consulate of that great outpost of maleficence that is Great (Ha!) Britain. My relief quickly dissolved into limeade, and that into shock upon learning that the "improvised explosive device" was made from "novelty-type grenades."

Normally one associates "novelty" items with children. To wit, novelty dog shit, an example being that which is manufactured by the Adams Corporation, is most often purchased and put to use as decoy by children. No manner of meddling, however, would make this novelty dog shit actual dog shit.

Sometimes adult toys are also referred to as novelty items. For example, long ago I regaled you with the tale of my encounter with The Fister. For those of you who don't recall the details of that fabulous yarn, The Fister is a life-sized, latex novelty arm up to the elbow. Although not made explicit on the packaging, the novelty of The Fister is that it is intended to be shoved into your ass. Thankfully, my encounter was across the counter of a novelty pipe and adult item store, and The Fister was at safe distance and encased in packaging. And here again, regardless of its rather menacing purpose, no amount of modification would make The Fister a suitable replacement for an actual arm.

In both of my examples, the novelty items are, indeed, for novelty purposes only. And yet somehow these rapscallions were able to make actual grenades from these novelty grenades.

I leave you with this question, rhetorical though it may be: Does an item lose its novelty when it becomes the thing itself and, if so, should we be selling novelty weapons that are a little black powder away from "fire in the hole?"

Novelty dog shit, above, is intended to be confused for actual dog shit, although it is not and cannot be easily tranformed into actual dog shit.

Analogcabin @ 11:54 AM
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