There are many signs that spring has, as they so folksily say, sprung. I will, heretofore, list these signs for you, my stupid, stupid readers:

1) Birds, those good-hearted rascals of the air, begin to sing their horny, lyricless tunes.

2) Flowers, those delightfully stupid creatures, bud and bloom, filling your eyes with glorious and sometimes obnoxious colors and your nose with allergins.

3) Commuters, those desperate and regretful misanthropes, roll their windows down, making for hastily aborted singalongs and awkward sidelong glances in lines of stopped traffic.

4) College girls, those paragons of all that is beautiful and right and fair in this horrible, stinky world, are compelled by hormone, air temperature, and, God save it for all time, the Delia's catalog to unsheathe their winter pale but nonetheless engorged secondary sex characteristics.

5) Everyone with a clock sets it ahead one hour.

This last bit is cleverly known as "springing ahead" into a highly theoretical state of being known as Daylight Savings Time. Now I'm not entirely certain, but I suspect the origins of Daylight Savings Time are in those days when our nation's nascent economy was agrarian. Like I said, I'm not sure, but it makes sense to me. A farmer's crops would, after all, benefit from longer growing days. But surely even crops and old time farmers were not stupid enough to believe that the time on the clock on the wall has anything to do with the length of time the sun stays above the horizon.

In any case, Daylight Savings Time doesn't matter much now that our food is all created by computer.

So it was for good reason that I rejoiced upon hearing the news that Congress is considering extending Daylight Savings Time by two months.

I know what you're thinking. But you just used way more words than necessary to explain why you don't like DST, or Daylight Savings Time. What gives?

You really are as stupid as everyone says, aren't you? DST is a state of mind, motherfucker. Forget about Standard vs. Daylight. It's whatever time we say it is. My excitement is that we as a nation appear to be moving toward a system I invented, have long supported, and like to call "One Nation, One Time: Party Time."

I know what you're thinking again. Sounds fucking awesome, but what's so great about Party Time other than the name and slogan and that you invented it?

How's 1,200,000 barrels of oil sound to you? That's right: Pretty fucking sweet.

Congress is considering the move because a Transportation Department study suggested that the extension of DST would save the nation 10,000/day in energy costs. But why stop at an 8 month energy savings, when we could sock that shit away 12 months a year?

I still know what you're thinking. But what do we do with all that extra oil?

We party, because it's Party Time.

Analogcabin @ 9:19 AM
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