You want to know what I hear all day? O Author of The Spoonbender, please tell me how American Idol works! You and it are the only things that relieve the crushing pain and solitude of my existence! A blog post combining the two is a delight almost too great to imagine! Please give it to me now!

For the love of all that's holy, you irritating pricks, stop your incessant whining. I'll give it to you, but this will have to last you until next year. So savor it as you wouldn't a fine wine or aged cheese, piggy.

As I did last year, I'll break the contestants into a few archetypes that appeal to certain voting demographics. I'll then predict the order they'll be voted out within a statistically insignificant margin of error. How? you ask? With the fucking 2000 GHz computer in my head I call my fucking awesome brain, that's how.

Type 1: The Proto-Masturbatory Material for Girls 12 & Under Type
CONSTANTINE MAROULIS, ANTHONY FEDEROV, NIKKO SMITH
As they are in American politics, underaged girls are the single most powerful voting block in the American Idol audience. They vote early and they vote often. Obviously now that Mario Vasquez, that soulless El Debarge wannabe, is out, his broad support among this group will be divided between Maroulis, Federov, and Smith. Maybe there's a large subset of these girls who love yellow teeth and chinless posers, because I suspect they're the only reason Maroulis has been able to stick around this long. He more than anyone will benefit from Vazquez's "adios." Federov has some of that castrato appeal, which is also big among this group (i.e. Justin Timberlake) and he'll get some help from both the Eastern Bloc block and the Trach black -- both small, but loyal.

Type 2: The Once You Go Black Type
VONZELL SOLOMAN, ANWAR ROBINSON, NADIA TURNER, NIKKO SMITH
Now I like to gloat, but I was dead on last year when I said that there is a black block and there's a white block. That's why there's no way Fantasia and whatsherface could have been in the final together. This year will be no different. Although there is a bit of a twist in that two of the black contestants are, to be totally blunt, much less black-acting. I think Vonzell is a beautiful soul sister who keeps it real. For that, she'll be rewarded with the largest portion of the black block. Unfortunately, both Anwar and Nadia will draw from non-black blocks heavily, and for it, they'll outlast her. Poor Scott Savol, despite his voice and possible status as an octaroon, is simply too light to enjoy a significant chunk of the black block.

Type 3: The "This Ain't Black Idol, It's 'Merican Idol!" Type
BO BICE, CARRIE UNDERWOOD
As I said above, there are some Idol fans that simply won't vote black, and these folks are split down the middle. Sure, they'd enjoy seeing Bice sing Skynyrd at the country fair, but they'd also like to make Carrie Underwood walk funny. They'll never vote for Mikalah Gordon 'cause she's prolly a Jew, nor Federov 'cause he's a commie faggot. They might throw some votes at Cardinale, even though she's I-tie, or at Jessica Sierra, 'cause they're pretty sure they banged her one night outside They Dirty Saddle.

Type 4: The "You're Bad Little Idol, Aren't You?" Type
MIKALAH GORDON
Last year there was a host of jailbait to keep the Aqualung demographic intrigued. This year, there's really only one, and she looks like your ex-wife. Nonetheless, I expect Mikalah to get consistent support.

Type 5: The Midler Type
MIKALAH GORDON, NADIA TURNER
This isn't necessarily about being gay, but it helps. This year we've got a Streisand and a Tina. The real question is whether Mikalah will draw enough support from the horny straight men to outweigh Nadia's support from the chocolate contingent.

Type 6: The Safe For the Whole Family Type
ANWAR ROBINSON, CARRIE UNDERWOOD
The least entertaining voting block, at least for me to write about, is the block that watches and votes as a family. After all, they're not racist, sexist, underaged, handicapped, or... um, handicapped. They vote because they'd like to see popular entertainment transformed into something that teaches their daughters that showing me their asses at every opportunity is a not good idea. To these "caring parents" and "good children," Mikalah is a whore born of a whore. Anwar, on the other hand, is a revelation: A completely non-threatening, asexual black who teaches music and seems genuinely nice! I hope he's not gay....

Now, for my predictions. First off, Scott Savol is going to go out first because he's simply too ugly. Sorry, Scott. Next up for a painful return to anonymity will be Lindsay Cardinale, followed closely by Jessica Sierra. Back to Hooters, girls. Constantine will return to a lifetime of chiding in New York, followed by Nikko Smith. Anthony Federov out next, then Vonzell Soloman. In an interesting side prediction, those two will fall in love and make beautiful Rulato kids together. Then we say goodbye to Bo Bice. Mikalah, who at this point will be making us all want to kill ourselves, will return to Vegas and a life performing at The Aladdin Casino. Then Nadia Turner will go away, much to everyone's dismay. In the end, it will be Carrie Underwood and Anwar "Mister" Robinson, but Carrie will win in a landslide.


Your American Idol

Analogcabin @ 3:14 PM
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