By the time I'd graduated from high school, I hadn't had anal sex in either of the two ways you can have anal sex. But trust me, it wasn't for lack of trying.

Let me clarify. It was for lack of trying on the one end -- the receiving end. There was most definitely a lack of trying there. But not on the giving end. You might say there was a surplus of trying; a surfeit of trying.

I tell you this not merely to creep you out, though that is part of my intent, but to add a personal twist to this story. It talks about the results of the recent, get this, National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health and the not-so surprising revelation that teenagers who have taken one of the various abstinence pledges are more likely to engage in certain kinds of "risky" sexual behavior, including unprotected anal sex.

To that I say, hot damn.

It wasn't until college when I discovered the subtler, more artful means of seduction. I'm talking about things like reading a woman Blake or putting roofies in her drink. I know you probably find it hard to believe coming from someone whose sexniques seem inborn, but in high school I was downright clumsy with dames. In those days my primary method of getting sex, anal or otherwise, was badgering. I'd plead, insist, broker deals, and generally annoy women until they relented, if not for love or lust then simply for silence. When my quarry spoke of an abstinence pledge, I usually launched into a theological deconstruction much like what I imagine John Smith must have used on wives two through ten. It never occurred to me to forego the vagina altogether, and to instead make the argument that, essentially, "God's OK with my dick in your butt."

A side note: There was one time in high school, I'll admit, that one of my looser girlfriends (you know who you are, you naughty minx) and I actually did try anal, though it was really kind of a sad mess of yelping and fleeing and apologizing and wiping. I blamed this mishap then, as I still do now, on the overgenerous size of my wiener. Call it rationalization if you want. I think you're just scared of it.

There are men across the world who quietly book vacations to places like Thailand at great expense and greater risk to health and freedom. This news -- not of my first experience with anal, but that 16-year-old virgins are giving up the butt to pimpled Creed fans across the country -- must annoy these men to no end.

Analogcabin @ 9:03 AM
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