I realize that many of you think that I am a horrible animal, composed of equal parts malice, bigotry, shenanigans, hubris, tomfoolery, and unadulterated comedy, and that I walk through life spewing vitriol out of my engorged, inflamed genitals.

I speak metaphorically, of course.

While some of that might be true, I think it's important that you all know that I am human. My intelligence and sexiness may at times seem superhuman, but I am only the übermensch in the Third Reich sense of the term. There's nothing more human than an intense fear of death. And that, friends and fans, is something I have in spades.

Sure, I fear death because I worry for those left to roam the world without the beacon that is my glorious wordplay. In fact each night I weep a single, silent tear for those yet unborn who will never know the joy that is me. But mostly I fear death for the reason poets and playwrights have struggled to articulate for centuries: I don't want to not exist anymore.

I'll pause for you to wipe away the tears of sympathy, empathy, and ideopathy.

This is all a roundabout way to discuss the news that doctors, those magnificent bastards, may have found a way to detect Alzheimer's disease early. I know I'm not the only one to have lost a relative to this terrible disease, and I every time I can't find my keys I shudder and wonder about genetics. On the upside, though, once you get past the first stages of the disease, it's probably a better way to go than, say, spina bifita. I mean, after you've lost any sense of who or where you are, I'd guess that existential crises don't occur with quite the same frequency as they would normally.

But an Alzheimer's early warning test totally ruins that. It makes it so that you have even more time to consider your fate and that, doctors, isn't something I want. I mean, it's not like you can cure it either way, right? So why would I want to know that I'm going to get it?

Analogcabin @ 9:18 AM
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