First there was Mary Kay LeTourneau, and I was intrigued. She was cute, but not really hot in a sexual way. It was more of a theoretical thing. She was hot because she was a teacher and she just couldn't stop herself, you know? But she had crazy eyes like homeless people have crazy eyes. And while that's a helpful indication that a girl is gettable if you're willing to play the right cards, it's always a gamble. There's always that chance you'll wind up with her sticking a steak knife in your liver.

Then there was Deborah Beasley Lefave, and there's no point in denying that I was aroused. We all were. Sure, her lips were a little weird and the corners of her mouth turned up like The Joker, but the minor flaws somehow made her look even sluttier. It was that porn star sluttiness coupled with the image of her teaching you reading that was the recipe for the kind of perfection usually reserved for Penthouse Letters.

Now there's Pamela Joan Turner, and, to borrow a line from an old Acetone song, I've enjoyed about as much of this as I can stand.

The story is that she was staying at her teenaged "victim's" house temporarily while in the process of moving into a new home. From there we can assume that one thing led to another -- perhaps his articulate charm, worldly wisdom, and intelligent humor coupled with a few too many glasses of a delightful Cab and her own loneliness. In the end, though, it's what the Warren County prosecutors allege that matters -- that the 27-year-old hot, blonde gym teacher taught that boy lessons that he'll never unlearn. 28 counts worth of lessons.

In the past I feel as though I've taken these incidents too lightly. Clearly that's why they continue. But my concern isn't for the well-being of the students -- God knows they're doing well enough on their own. Nor is it for the teachers. My concern is for all men of America over the age of 18.

For months magazines like People have been telling us that the Ashton Kutcher / Demi Moore relationship is proof that older women coupling with younger men is the hot thing right now. I don't normally go to those publications for information on sociological trending, but the LeTourneau, Lefave, and Turner incidents certainly seem to support the idea. A bar has been lowered in America, and it has left men like me -- that is to say, men of legal age -- too tall to ride the hot teacher ride.

And we're doubly cursed. Not only are we made to behold the quarry of these manchildren and admire their feat -- something we were unable to accomplish at their age, but we're also forced to realize that nor could we accomplish it now, for women these days are obviously looking for something a little more hairless.

It is a sea change, men of America. We rushed to meet the waves, the tide came in, and I'm afraid that we're drowning.


Pamela Turner, above, looking coy, delightful, and ready to teach what she knows.


Pamela Turner, above, looking coy, delightful, and on her way to jail.


Pamela Turner, above, looking coy, delightful, and fucking mocking us all, the whore.

Analogcabin @ 9:36 AM
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