Monday, September 27, 2004
 

Regardless of what his jury said, the only crime of which Ed Woodland is guilty is stupidity. And if that, ladies and gentlemen, is a convictable, then I think we'd all better throw some cash and jerky into a rucksack, dye our goatees blonde, turn south and drive until we hit Canada.

Here's the situation: Woodland applied for a job cleaning up at a nuclear facility and was offered it, despite what was undoubtedly some very stiff competition from other no account idiots. The catch was that he had to pass a background check prior to starting work. He didn't, but who among us would, really?

Of what happened next, only one thing is certain: Woodland began receiving paychecks. The facility maintains that the checks were sent to him by accident, as he was never actually given the job. Woodland maintains that he did get the job, and reported for work. Since Woodland refused to return the money, he was arrested and jailed for theft.

Rather than asserting in court that he did in fact work at the facility, a claim that could easily be proved wrong by everything from door security card records to site surveillance videos, Woodland should have called the plant's managers what they are: Indian Givers.

If you hand a woman on the street a 20 dollar bill, only to realize later that she's not the prostitute who provided you with a delightful half and half days earlier, is the woman to blame? I say no. I say that your misplaced 20 dollars is the penalty for treating women like whores when only some of them are.

Make that argument in court, and the jury returns a not guilty verdict. Every. Fucking. Time.

Analogcabin @ 10:00 AM
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