I find it difficult to express how annoyed I am about the outrage over the voting-off of first Jennifer Hudsen and now LaToya London. I find it difficult to express, but I'm sure as shit going to give it a shot. This is American Idol, after all. It's like democracy practice, but with more underaged girls. Which is to say, it's better.

OK. So both dedicated readers of The Spoonbender will remember that back in March I tried to explain how Idol voting works. Granted, at the time, the fruit of those theories was an at best marginally accurate prediction of who'd get voted-off when. But I'm not going to back off from my theories now. After all, if Einstein backed off of all his flawed theories, today none of us would enjoy interstellar travel or anal sex.

Allow me to reintroduce you, America and the world, to "The Chocolate Factor":

A certain segment of the voting audience will never vote the "chocolate" demographic; another segment will never stray from it. So, no matter how much it's warranted, we won't see a Fantasia/LaToya final two. Fantasia will outlast LaToya for no reason other than that she's got more "Disney" and "Midler" appeal.

Now, join me in thanking me for such remarkable insight and prescience. While outraged Seacrests, Abduls, Cowells, Jacksons, news commentators, and fuckwads nationwide have continuously claimed that America anticipated a final two including Barrino and London, I have been steadfast in my assertion that such a final would never happen.

My genius is a power and a curse.

Chocolate isn't entirely about race. Answer this: what makes chocolate ice cream -- the color or the flavor? The flavor, or, in this case, the flava. The bottom line here is that Hudsen, London, and Barrino are drawing votes from the same pool. I'm not talking about a black voting block, I'm talking about fans of a certain flava of performer. Being black may be part of that flava, just as being white was part of John Stevens style and being whatever she is is part of Diana Degarmo's style. The truth is that, were there two terrific white male country singers in place of London and Barrino, the voting would have happened the same way.

Barrino won because, as I predicted, she appeals to the people who like Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey, the people who like Bette Midler and Barbara Streisand, and the people who like Ariel the Mermaid and exchanging candy for a horrible, unforgettable ride in a 1983 Econoline Van. I originally predicted a JP Lewis and Barrino finale. Unfortunately, I overestimated the number of teenie bopper girls and underestimated the number of child molesters watching Idol. Nor did I anticipate that Jasmine Trias would pander to the child molester vote so blatantly.

But the point of this post isn't to revel in the partial accuracy of my theories. At least, that's not all of the point. It's to say that this isn't about racism. Barrino and London are both great singers, but this contest isn't about the best singer. It's about the best personality and the flavor of singer that most people like.

There are people that like vanilla ice cream and people that like chocolate. A vanilla fan isn't going to pick chocolate just because the chocolate is Häagen-Dazs and the vanilla is Breyer's.


LaToya London, above, is not underaged or chocolatey enough.

Analogcabin @ 6:30 AM
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