As I'm fairly certain that the grim reaper is not wont to make wagers, at least not outside of the Bill and Ted's Awesome Journey, I find the value of this study to be kind of dubious. A team of researchers at the University of Pittsburgh, presumably well-educated and highly paid, is acting like I did when I was stoned with friends in my ill-gotten single in the substance free dorm.

INT. ILL-GOTTEN SINGLE ROOM IN SUBSTANCE FREE DORM

A remarkably HANDSOME and obviously WELL-ENDOWED young man, ME, sits on a yellowing futon pulling hits off a COKE CAN BONG. SOUNDGARDEN's seminal grunge masterpiece SUPERUNKNOWN plays on the stereo. Two friends, a dull-eyed MANCHILD named LEVINE and a baby-faced FOP called HARMAN, sit on the floor.

The trio is VERY STONED on MARIJUANA.

HARMAN
That's hilarious dude. Hilarious.

I pass the BONG to LEVINE.

ME
I know, but seriously, man. Who wouldn't give it to Betty White just for the story, right? And for 14 grand? But, man. She is fucking old. I never want to be old, you know? And, like, be dying?

HARMAN
No doubt. My grandpa totally died. It was horrible.

LEVINE pass the BONG to HARMAN.

LEVINE
I want to die in my sleep.

ME
Totally. But check this shit out: if you could trade months of life for dying in your sleep, how many would you trade?

LEVINE
Trade who?

ME
Fuck, I don't know. God. Whoever. It doesn't matter. Just tell me how many months.

HARMAN
Seven months. No question.

LEVINE
What? How'd you come up with that number?

ME
No, man. I think that seems about right.

HARMAN
Seven months. It's a gimme. It's like a school year.

LEVINE
So?

HARMAN
Would you trade eighth grade to die in peace...

HARMAN interrupts himself to hit the BONG.

ME
Yes! Totally! I totally would!

HARMAN
(continues)
...maybe while smokin' a j-bird and gettin' a hummer?

ME
Fuck, dude. That's living. Eight months is too much, though.


The University of Pittsburgh researchers recently announced their next study on the relative importance of money to not having sex with aged TV star Betty White.

Analogcabin @ 10:15 AM
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