Thursday, December 11, 2003

I'm in the middle of writing a music column for a yet-to-be-launched magazine that, according to the electronic press kit, is either for or about the lifestyles of professional athletes. I'm not totally sure what that lifestyle is, but I'm fairly certain it doesn't include much reading of music columns. I am fairly sure it includes Escalades, so I've mentioned them in the piece twice.

That lingering feeling that no one will read it and that I'm trying to write primarily about R&B -- a style of music for which I have absolutely no affinity -- is leaving me questioning the value of the internet as a primary source and whether it's possible to sound excited about Grant Hill's wife Tamia's third record when I've not heard it or her previous two.

Despite all that, I'm in the mood to write about music. Convenient, because it's the perfect time to year to unleash my list of the 10 Records I'd Love To Shove Down Your Irritatingly Hip Little '80s Button Jean Jacket Throat Until You Shit Singles.

10: Ima Robot -- Ima Robot
I haven't even heard it, and still I know that Ura Douchebag.

9: Electric Six -- Fire
The best thing about this record is that it's not playing right now. Electric Sucks.

8: Ryan Adams -- Rock N Roll
If you fling a bunch of shit against a wall, some of it will stick. It's about percentage, Ryan. Not volume. Ryan Badams.

7: The White Stripes -- Elephant
I dream of the day when Meg White stands up, walks over to Jack, and smacks the shit out of his pompous, starfucking ass. "Honestly, my biggest inspirations are Deaf Willy Rickets records, but you can only find those on wax cylinder." Smellephant.

6: The Strokes -- Room on Fire
Granted. Tom Petty's "American Girl" would have been cool if Jim Morrison sang on it. Point taken. You pulled it over on everyone once, now you have the balls to take another shot? Evidently Spin is The Strokes largest shareholder. The Jamokes.

5: Ryan Adams -- Love Is Hell, Part 1
Parker Posey. Big fucking deal. Who hasn't? Love is smell.

4: Interpol -- Turn on the Bright Lights
Turn them back off. I already passed on New Order, you poncey pricks. This wasn't even released in 2003, and still people harp on it.

3: The Rapture -- Echoes
Aren't the Strokes enough? The Crapture.

2: Ryan Adams -- Love is Hell, Part 2
Is it worse to have once been good, like Adams on Whiskeytown's Stranger's Almanac, or to be Electric Six? How 'bout This Is Hell.

1: The Darkness -- Permission to Land
Permission not granted, you ridiculous bunch of late to the irony party poseurs. Motley Crue records are still in print. They're better and funnier because they're not joking.

Analogcabin @ 12:19 PM
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