This article is just further proof that things have really changed since I was in high school. In my day, condoms stuck all over your shirt wasn't a costume, it was a cruel prank, and I didn't appreciate it one bit.

"What else has changed since you were in high school?" you clamor with almost sexual anticipation. Well cease your baby bird wriggling and squeaking in aviary supplication, for I'm about to regurgitate a tale of a time called the mid-nineties.

George Bush was the president. No, not that George Bush. I'm talking about George Herbert Walker Bush -- the current president's grandfather and Olympic prizefighter. Morton Downey, Jr. ruled the airwaves, and homosexuality was nothing more than a secret dream lurking deep within Harvey "The Inventor of Gayness" Fierstein's psyche. Blogging wasn't the rarefied fourth and a half estate is it today. It involved a bump of cocaine, a tub of Vaporub, a straw, and an underage girl. In fact, the internet itself was known only to small group of Cal Tech role-players cloistered deep within their own fractured psyches. The rest of us were forced to use modems to connect with something called a BBS -- an acronym that stood for nothing at all, because the concept of acronyms had not yet been fully fleshed out. Dilbert was king, Cathy was his beautiful queen, and I loved them both well, for Anime had not yet sprung from the minds of emotionally stunted Japanese men. Lisa Lisa was the closest thing we knew to an Hispanic sex symbol, and thank the Racist Lord for small favors. Thank Him, too, the cornucopia of puns made based on "Cult Jam." I'd say that Eric Nies cabbage patched through the collective subconscious of young girls everywhere, but the concept of the collective subconscious didn't exist because David Blaine had not yet been born.

It might seem to you as though we had it tough, but it was a simpler time, and, oh, how we danced!

Analogcabin @ 1:39 PM
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