I don't know about you, but the last thing I want to see when I'm poised to dig my teeth into a flame-broiled monument to bacon and cheesy delishium is some woman's milk-weeping and chapped nipples, but according to this story, it looks like that's a chance Burger King diners in Utah are going to have to take.

Pull up a chair, kiddies, 'cause I'm fixin' to riff.

We all know that there are pros and cons to living in the civilized world. On the upside, there's a low infant mortality rate, TiVO, and delicious, thirst-quenching beer. On the downside, public defecation is frowned upon. Ours is a society of delicate balances. We hold personal freedoms dear and we cherish public safety. Alas, sometimes these loves are mutually exclusive, like a man's love of cats and a man's love of having sex with cats.

Take it from me and Kris Kristofferson, "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose," and let me take this opportunity to admit that I've never really understood those lyrics.

Until now.

Clearly, this Utah titslinger has nothing left to lose -- no pride, no dignity, and no appetite. I can picture her now, sated and reclining in molded orange plastic bench, Whopper detritus strewn across the table, enjoying a clove cigarette as she unfurls her milk-laden knocker.

Shh. I'm picturing it.

At some point in my life I was scarred by a story about a woman I know. She had recently given birth, and was having some kind of trouble with whatever kind of special bra breastfeeding women wear. She was in the bathroom, thank the Lord, when her overfilled boob began "spraying milk everywhere." I'll never forget that phrase. "Spraying milk everywhere."

Imagine if this had happened in the Burger King's dining room. Milk spraying from the breast like a Willie Waterbug toy on a summer day. Splashing into milkshakes and coffee, dousing fries and sandwiches. Shooting into patrons' eyes other unguarded orifices.

That's bodily fluid, friends. It's not only a disgusting scenario, it's a dangerous one. Perhaps it's unlikely, but are you willing to take your chances with a loaded jug?

I, for one, am not.

Analogcabin @ 7:52 AM
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