Perhaps I'm irritable, but I think the author of this piece, someone named Laura Snyder, needs to get punched in the fucking jaw. "Sexy Strategies for Making the First Move," as her article is called, has one thing going for it -- it's short.

Essentially the same piece has been pained over, birthed, and eventually sold to a dubious outlet like the Netscape Network by each and every one of the legion of Carrie Bradshaw pretenders that infest the island of Manhattan. These former Kappa Kappa Gammas will talk endlessly about the delicate art of snaring a sophisticated and sexy woman such as themselves, when the reality is that any guy capable of purchasing four Cosmos that doesn't have visible chancres has what it takes to receive joyless oral sex from these desperate-to-settle-but-will-never-admit-it women.

Nonetheless, as an homage to Laura Snyder, I give you my own strategies on making the first move. I think they're sexy, and I hope you do, too.

We've all been there: You're out on the town and an attractive young miss catches your eye. It could be the beer, or maybe it's the priapism, but there's a lion in your pocket and, baby, he's ready to roar. Before you do something rash that ruins your chances of catching an uncomfortable rash, keep these sexy strategies for making the first move in mind.

A Lost Girl Wants to Find Your Penis in Her Mouth
Whether it's an evening at the local dance-a-teria or an afternoon at the playground, you know the type: ladies that continually check their watches or crane their necks around as if they're looking for friends. It could be that they're uncomfortable being alone in public, it might be that they're actually waiting for friends, they may really be lost, or, if you're lucky, they're on something. In any case, these are the ladies that are most susceptible to sexy strategies, so sic 'em!

Be Mysterious and Unexpected
Even the most obviously disoriented woman will know a pickup when she hears it, so try to throw her further off guard by saying or doing something unexpected. For example, rather than approaching her with an obvious comment like, "I know this is forward, but you're very beautiful. Would it be OK if I offered to buy you a coffee?", try something like, "I could smell your sex from across the way and, frankly, I'd like nothing more than to chop off your feet, drag you off into the forest, and bury you in a shallow grave under a blanket of lime." Of if you're not the talkative type, try roughly grabbing her genitals.

Women Find Confidence Attractive
It's been said that women can smell fear. Or maybe that was dogs. Regardless, there's nothing more attractive than confidence, so project it when approaching a woman. Always stare directly into her eyes and try to avoid blinking. Also, stand or lean in very close when speaking with her -- sharing your personal space with her shows that you don't feel threatened. And why not try showing her your erect penis? Remember: it's not the size of the flag, it's how proudly it's unfurled publicly.

Be a Finisher
Any of these strategies is sure to make an impression, but some women demand the full court press. That's why it's a good idea to carry between five and ten doses of Rohipnol, a length of rope, and a kerchief soaked with Chloroform.

Analogcabin @ 12:10 PM
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