Generally speaking, I don't read gossip columns. It's hardly a novel or compelling admission for a man in his late twenties, I know. I'd guess that the most common reason for avoiding them is an objection to the culture of celebrity deification. For me it's because I find the rich and famous smug and insulting. Only four sentences into this, it should be clear to you that the fates have erred in omitting me from the ranks of the famous. Imagine the torment. Reading a gossip column is like rubbing my own face in the heinous injustice of it all.

Despite the pain, I read Whatevs religiously, and I find it difficult to express how much joy it brings me and why it brings me such joy. It's at least partially because it reminds me of Jackie Harvey in The Onion. It's also because I can wile away countless hours speculating on Uncle Grambo's sexual orientation. He's got to be gay, of course. But how can you explain the seemingly insatiable hunger for revealing pictures of beautiful starlets? You can't, unless he's straight. But he writes a gossip column! Gay!

In the end, it doesn't matter. My love is unconditional, though he tested that today. Apparently there's a new show on MTV called Rich Girls, and Grambo spent a good bit of space singing the praises of its starlet and self-professed "Producer," Ally Hilfiger.

From what I can gather from the show's site, cameras follow the antics of two wealthy 18 year old girls. If there's something I envy more than being wealthy, it's being an heir to wealth. And a young heir to wealth? There is no mathematical theory capable of counting the ways I loathe thee. And anyone that knows anything about me knows that, if there's something I like more than creepily ogling 18-year-old girls, it's unfairly abusing them verbally in an almost completely unnoticed public forum. These two girls certainly aren't going to be an exception.


Attractive? Whatevs.


Dee Snyder and Doug Henning? Obvs.

Analogcabin @ 12:31 PM
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