I liked Underworld far, far more than is warranted. That's not to say that I liked it particularly, but that it deserved to be mocked openly, set aflame, then pissed upon until extinguished and I failed to do any of those three things.

The main reason I liked it is Kate Beckinsale playing a vampire in a rubber suit and corset, of course. I'd like to drive a stake into her something, and I'm not talking about her heart or an actual wooden stake, but my penis, if you know what I mean.

Secondarily, there's that I'm a complete fucking loser, and I still carry the scars of Dungeons and Dragons on my aesthetic sensibility. Vampires running around in leather fighting werewolves with fully automatic machine pistols and throwing stars is, frankly, awesome. If you don't think so, you obviously had a date to the prom and are, therefore, not worth my time.

My desire to enjoy the movie was so strong, in fact, that I was able to partially overlook the utterly laughable acting that made the two hour running length feel like a vampire's eternal undeath. Shane Brolly, playing the predictably named Kraven, was particularly bad. Hard to imagine, what with softcore auteur Zalman "Red Shoes" King's smash Chromiumblue.com under his belt.

But looking back on the experience now, I feel like I've been had. They took advantage of me, and I resent it. At least I'm not alone -- Underworld made more than $20 million last weekend. That means there'll be a sequel, and of course, I'll see it. But I won't like it, except that I will.

Analogcabin @ 12:33 PM
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